Moving On

Last Monday I decided to go on a date with one of the guys I had previously turned down for S. This was before I found everything out from S so I was still in that stage where I was really confused about what was happening. And so I told my date, let's call him N, that it was to be a platonic date and he was fine with that. I didn't think I fancied him anyway but he seemed like a really interesting guy so I thought it would be good for me to at least get out there and make some new friends.

The evening turned out to be amazing. He is incredibly successful, interesting, kind and generous. He has met S before as well so was able to listen to all my troubles and give me some advice (stuff I really didn't want to hear though like how he may not be as sincere as I thought him to be). Unlike S who always kept his cards so close to his chest, N couldn't stop telling me how amazing I was. I wasn't going to disagree but he was being quite intense! He took me out for drinks at a fancy hotel and then dinner at an equally fancy restaurant and paid for everything. The combination of his appreciation for me and his spoiling of me meant that even though I wasn't planning to we ended up kissing on the street outside. And it was nice. But I just don't know. It wasn't the same as it was with S.

The following few days N texted me loads and always replied to my texts immediately even though he was busy with work and travelling in different countries. Everything kicked off with S during that time and N was there to lend a sympathetic ear. He then said he wanted to take me out on the weekend to try and cheer me up. 

That was yesterday and it was an incredible day. He couldn't have been a better friend to me. However, it has all got seriously complicated! 

I told him from the start that I really like him but that I'm not looking to rush into anything serious because I'm still hurting over what has happened with S. He said he understood and that he just wanted to make me feel better. Again he was incredibly generous, taking me out for coffee and then lunch and then dinner with his friends followed by a trip to a few clubs and paying for everything along the way including taxis, entrance fees - the works! In between the meals we went back to his flat and lay on his couch and on his bed just talking and kissing and cuddling. I made it clear that that was how far I wanted to go for now and he respected that. 

However, he said he had already fallen for me, which made me take a step back and think about things. I could see how besotted he was with me but for me it just didn't feel right. There was no spark or connection and when he kissed me there were no fireworks like there were with S. He is also 15 years older than me (40) and while he doesn't look it or seem it it is something that is holding me back somewhat. 

And so I spent the rest of the evening trying to let him down slowly. We had already established earlier that I was going to spend the night at his (out of convenience) so on the way home I had to emphasize how I was just not in a place to get into anything now and that I thought it was best we were just friends. Back at his and in bed he tried to cuddle and kiss some more and I went along with it a bit but then said we had to lay down some boundaries. If we are to go down the friend route we can't keep kissing because that's not what friends do! 

He became really sad about it all and said that he was disappointed I was still crazy about S even though he was a bastard to me and that he was disappointed I wouldn't give him a go when he had so much to offer me. I stuck to my guns though and eventually we went to sleep without anything happening. 

This morning I tried to clear things up a bit but he was still looking so sad so he drove me home. He said he was happy to be friends but that he was going to need some time to get over me. And that's how we've left it.

I find this whole situation kind of crazy because I did only meet him a week ago! He is a lovely guy and I definitely want him as a friend but I just can't pretend there is something there when I don't think there is.

The funny thing is that he is being with me exactly like I was with S (overly keen) although I think he is even more intense. And while I'm all heartbroken at being rejected by S he is now all miserable about being rejected by me!

Welcome to the soap opera that is my life!