Sunday, 21 November 2010

Things Weighing on my Mind...

Apart from figuring out how to get my gay life on the go there are some other things that are weighing on my mind at the moment. And unfortunately they seem to be getting in the way as well. 

Having recently graduated from university and returned home from my post-university celebratory travels, I'm now trying to get my career up and running. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people who has always known exactly what they want to do with their lives. Instead I think I'm more confused than ever! I studied business and specialised in marketing and I feel like I want to go in that sort of direction but there are so many variables out there that are confusing the hell out of me.

For example, do I go the corporate route or try out a more entrepreneurial/small business alternative? The corporates offer money, benefits and opportunities for fast career progression but the thought of being just another cog in the big corporate machine is a bit depressing. A small business on the other hand could provide the opportunity of being involved in something a bit more original - granted, that is, you actually manage to get involved in something truly innovative. If not, you risk being a part of something that's just a big waste of time and then you don't have the comfort of the corporate benefits to fall back on. Ultimately I would love to start my own business one day but I feel like I need some more experience before I do so (not to mention an idea!) But which route would be best to take to get that experience? And then there's the whole challenge of actually getting the experience. The job market is still not good out there and I'm finding it pretty difficult as a graduate to get that all important foot in the door.

I think my greatest fear when it comes to my career is that I will spend the rest of my life being a nobody. Now I don't necessarily mean I want to become a celebrity or anything (although I probably wouldn't say no to that, as long as I was famous for the right reasons of course!) What I mean is that I'm worried that I'll end up doing something that will have no significance for the world whatsoever. I want to do something that will personally challenge me and force me to be the best I can possibly be but I also want to be a part of something that will add some meaningful value to the world. I don't necessarily want to cure cancer or anything (I'm not that idealistic) but I do want to do something that brings some sort meaning or benefit into the world. So many of the job descriptions I read seem so random and pointless that they leave me wondering if the world would be any different if they didn't exist? And I don't want to be a part of anything like that.

In a way I face the age old dilemma of money vs passion. I obviously want to earn lots of money and have the best life possible but I also want to do what I absolutely love doing. At the moment it doesn't seem possible to have both but I hope that one day I'll figure out a way to achieve it. My biggest problem at the moment though is that I'm just not that sure what it is I actually want to do! What am I passionate about that I can turn into a viable long-term career?! All I know is that I want to go far but that's not enough - you need to figure out how you're going to get there.

I know it's difficult for anyone else but me to help me on this and so I'm sorry to have put you through my ramblings but sometimes it does help to just write things down and see them in front of you. It sort of puts your thoughts in order a bit. 

I think I will be facing these challenges for a while to come, which is annoying because it's taking up a lot of my time and energy, which I need to be putting towards my personal life. I know I should probably work on both at the same time but they're both such huge and fundamental parts of my life that I kind of want to just take them one at a time. I feel that once I've got my professional life on track then I can properly concentrate on getting my personal life up to scratch as well.

There are a few things on the gay front that have been worrying me a bit lately too. For starters, I'm still finding it difficult to actually tell people that I'm gay. I mentioned earlier that I recently told my closest friends via email, which was very difficult at the time but in hindsight was the best possible way I could have done it. I realised this when I had lunch with a friend the other day. She's not one of my best friends but we have known each other for quite a few years and spent a lot of time together in the past. I've seen her a few times in the last few months but only at social gatherings where the opportunity to tell her never presented itself. Now that I was having lunch with her on her own though I was determined to tell her and just get it out of the way. But I couldn't!  Sometimes I find it so easy to tell people and I know she wouldn't have a problem with it but sometimes the way people are/act/talk doesn't put me at my ease, which makes it difficult to open up about such personal things. It's frustrating because I just want everybody I encounter to KNOW.

It's definitely one of the biggest challenges I find of being a masculine gay guy. You don't fit the stereotype that people have of gay people and so they don't automatically know you're gay when you meet them making every time you come out a bit awkward. And then even once you're out I find things don't necessarily get easy, as I think people still have some sort of preconceived idea of how gay people should act or what they should talk about. Today I was having lunch with another friend of mine although she has always known that I was gay. When the conversation turned to more "gay friendly" topics like her latest crush or her problems with moisturising I found that I didn't feel totally comfortable. I don't have a problem talking about such things, it's just that I couldn't help but feel like I should be making excessive hand movements or something while I was talking because without them I feel like a bit of a fraud. I know this is all ridiculous but I'm still not at that place where I feel genuinely comfortable as a masculine gay guy.

So these things have all been getting me down a bit lately but I'm trying my best to stay positive, as I'm a firm believer that positive energy gets rewarded with positive results. I'm hoping that in the not too distant future I will figure out what it is I want from life and find a career that is both financially and personally rewarding and that results in something of value being brought into the world. And I hope that I will soon start to feel more comfortable being a masculine gay guy so that I can start having a more fulfilling personal life too.

Here's hoping that someone/something out there in the universe is listening to me!

Sunday, 14 November 2010

My First Gay Experience

In my opening post I said I was still a virgin. This is true. Well at least in my eyes it is. I have had one gay experience though but I don't believe it to have been sufficient enough to award it the title of the time I lost my virginity. I know that some people think of any gay experience, such as oral or mutual wanking, to be gay sex. This is probably true, but for me, it's anal (whether given or taken) that is the ultimate decider of whether you have lost your actual gay virginity.

Back to my first gay experience though.

Earlier this year I was in Bangkok as part of a larger post-university trip through Asia. I had always heard how Thailand is a mecca for gay travellers and so I was intent on taking advantage of my being on my own in a faraway foreign land to make progress in my gay life. Once there though I was very disappointed. Everywhere I went I was confronted with the sleazy image of old western men enjoying the company of young Thai boys. I don't know why this surprised me, as Thailand is renowned for this, but I guess I was hoping for a lot more young everyday backpackers like me. Maybe they were there but unfortunately I just didn't meet them.

Disheartened but not dismayed I decided to carry on with my plans of visiting a gay sauna. In the weeks leading up to my arrival in Bangkok I had been reading on the Internet about a famous sauna in the city called Babylon. It's apparently the most famous sauna in not just Thailand but the whole of Asia and from what I had read it sounded like the place to go if you were a foreign gay visitor looking for some fun.

The hotel I had booked was coincidentally within walking distance of Babylon and so after a few days of getting to grips with the city and crossing off all the tourist must-dos I set out to to cross off the gay must-do. I was naturally quite nervous but the fact that I was in a completely foreign city where I knew absolutely nobody combined with nearly 24 years of zero sexual activity meant that I was resolute in my decision and there was nothing that was going to stop me from going!

It was a characteristically humid evening as I walked along the busy road to Babylon. My heart was beating fast and I couldn't help but wonder if all the people in the cars that passed me by knew where I was going and were busy labeling me as just another dodgy sex tourist. Soon though I disappeared off the main road and into the quiet lanes that led to the sauna. The hardest part was definitely getting there, as once inside you do feel like you're in a safe haven of sorts surrounded my like-minded people.

Before I knew it I was in the locker room, stripping down, wrapping a towel around my waist and heading into the unknown. Babylon was different to how I had imagined it would be. For starters it is a lot smaller than they make it out to be. I think that as it was a weekday evening one area was closed but still, I thought it would be bigger. On the ground floor there was a small dry sauna with a tiny screen showing the same porn movie over and over again without sound. Next to it was a dark steam room, part of which was a small maze so dark you couldn't see anything, the other part just light enough to make out the people sitting next to and opposite you. Upstairs there was another maze of sorts with some private rooms and lots of men just standing around waiting for something to happen.

The thing that most disappointed me about Babylon was the lack of open action going on. I had been led to believe that it was easy to just walk around and watch other guys get it on with each other but I hardly saw anything. Perhaps this was a cultural thing? You would hear the odd murmur from a dark corner of the maze or a private room but that was about it. Another thing that disappointed me was the lack of foreign guys. That may have just been down to the time and day that I was there but as I'm not really attracted to Thai or Asian men I felt like my options were slightly limited. Foreign men are clearly the prize for many Thai guys though and so wherever I went I was generally the center of attention getting a lot of enquiring looks and the odd forward advance. This was great for the ego I guess but as I wasn't really interested in reciprocating the attention it got slightly annoying after a while and I did start to feel a bit like a piece of meat and not in a good way! The white guys that were there were generally of the older dodgy looking variety, which further added to my displeasure.

I wasn't ready to give up yet though and so I spent what was probably an hour or so moving between each of the rooms trying to see what was going on and learn how exactly things work at these sorts of places. When the heat of the sauna and steam rooms got too much I would take a seat outside watching people come and go or in the cafe where I eventually grabbed some dinner. It was here that I saw another white guy around my age although at first glance he was not really my type and so I didn't take much notice of him.

Back on the circuit though I was starting to feel a bit desperate and really didn't want to leave without having cum even if I did just have to do it by myself. Eventually I made it back to the steam room where having taken a seat on one of the benches I noticed the same guy sitting opposite me. He was getting some attention from a Thai guy next to him and had removed his towel exposing his hard cock. Having not yet seen much interesting action or attractive men this got me going fairly quickly and so I moved across and took a seat next to him. Even though I hadn't really taken much notice of him in the cafe I was more than a little turned on sitting next to him with the heat of the steam making us sweat and the sounds of groaning men in the background further adding to the atmosphere. His cock was staring up at me and so I reached out with my right hand and took over from the Thai guy. It was the first cock I have ever felt (apart from my own of course) and it was a great first one to hold, as apart from being fairly long it was also nice and fat, easily filling the grasp of my hand.

As I stroked his cock up and down he began to kiss my shoulder and neck. I didn't really enjoy this  though, as he was a very wet kisser and had an annoying goatee that rubbed against my skin. He tried to make his way to my mouth but I resisted each time. I also didn't really want to go down on him. Although my heart (and most definitely my cock) wanted me to my head kept saying no. I guess I'm still hesitant about these things, worried about HIV and STI's having been lectured about them for years at school and university. When you're in an environment like a gay sauna you can't help but wonder where else the guys around you have been and what/who they have done. I was happy for the time being just enjoying the feel of another man's cock in my hand and watching and listening to the pleasure he was getting from it. He began to reciprocate and soon I was approaching my long awaited climax. As I neared it he let his hand roam down to my balls and ass and as he did so I automatically lifted my leg over his to give him better access. He instinctively jumped up and moved down in front of me to get a better view of my hole. Probing at its opening with his finger but not quite entering it I soon brought myself to completion and at the same time felt his warm cum spray on my leg. To my slight surprise but also amusement I also felt the cum of other men, their bodies and faces up until now hidden by the darkness of the room.

It was over as quick as it had begun and soon I was out of the steam room and into the showers where I washed the remains of the past few minutes from my skin. I had achieved more or less what I wanted to achieve and so I quickly got changed and made my way back to the main road leading to my hotel.

Back in my hotel room I couldn't quite believe the evening had happend. I had made significant progress although remained slightly disappointed about the whole experience. It wasn't quite as good as I had hoped it would be and even though I hadn't really planned to go much further than what I did I was still disappointed at how I had found the whole experience. I generally have a very active and dirty mind but I had felt out of my depth there and found it sleazier than I thought it would be. Perhaps that was because I was surrounded by Thai men, to whom I'm not attracted to, and mostly old foreign men, who you automatically assume to be dodgier than normal given that you're in Bangkok. However, I was still put off and couldn't imagine myself going to a gay sauna again, wherever it may be.

A few months have passed since then though and now that I'm back in London I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should give the gay sauna experience one more go. I'm sure the venues in London are superior to those in Thailand and I presume my options here in terms of people will be more plentiful. I still have my reservations though particularly when it comes to going all the way. I feel like losing my virginity in a sauna is too fraught with risks and also too impersonal. I feel like I should wait to meet someone a bit more special, perhaps through something like gaydar, where we can take things a bit slower and do it right. But I also can't help but feel that going to a sauna in London will still be good for me, if only to get more comfortable with the idea of being naked and sexual around other guys.

And so I think I'm going to look into the idea a bit more...

Saturday, 6 November 2010

All About Me and this Blog

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Gay Traveller. 

Why call myself that? Well, I am gay and I do love to travel so I guess that's one reason but this is not a blog about gay travelling. It's a blog about my journey into gay life. I am pretty much starting from the beginning here and have a lot to navigate through as I try to find my place in the world as a masculine gay man. And so in that sense I guess that also makes me a gay traveller doesn't it? I thought so at least!

Let me start by giving you some background information about my life up until now. 

I am 24 years old and have recently graduated from university. The first person to find out that I was gay was my mother, when she asked me at the age of 20 (she found Google searches for gay porn on the computer - embarrassing to say the least!) It all went fine though and in the years that followed she did a lot of the dirty work for me by telling other people in my family, all of whom have been great about it. However, I still went through the whole of school and university without telling a single friend or without having a single gay experience. 

Why the trouble? Well I think it comes down to me not really knowing my place in the world. I know that I'm gay, I've done so since the age of 10. And I've never thought otherwise (even if I tried). The furthest I ever got with a girl sexually was a bit of pathetic kissing, which didn't do anything for me at all. But I'm also not a full-on gay either, at least not in the stereotypical sense. I guess you could say I'm what is known as a "masculine" or "straight-acting" gay. I'm very low-key and not camp at all.  Yeah sure I'm as big a fan of Kylie as the next gay guy but I'm also just like any other straight guy in many respects. In fact most people who find out that I'm gay are quite surprised! And so I went through school and university not really knowing where I belong. I don't quite fit in with all the macho guys (I learned that while I was at an all boys boarding school) but I also don't see myself as one of the gays, especially as most of the gay guys I've encountered in my life have been very effeminate.  There's nothing wrong with that but it's just not me. And so I find myself in this awful no mans land not quite knowing where I belong. I'm sure I can't be the only one in the world in this situation but I'm yet to meet someone else who is. 

As a result I've lived my life up until now in relative silence. I didn't pretend to be straight at university. I just didn't do anything. I avoided any conversations where I might get caught out and avoided any parties or nights out where I thought I might get myself into an unwanted situation. I had friends but not millions of them and because they didn't know my full story I always felt like there was a distance between us and that we were not proper friends. It goes without saying that I didn't have any gay experiences either. I hardly had the opportunity to do so because I lived in the sort of place where everybody seems to know each others business. But even if I did have the opportunity I was too scared to do anything about it anyway.

Having graduated from university now though I have set out to change my life for the better. I recently told all of my closest friends that I'm gay (via email) and while it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life it also went better than I could ever have imagined. It hasn't changed the fact though that I am still a virgin and still have a  near non-existent gay life. But that is going to change. It's not going to be easy and it might take a while, as the way I've lived my life up until now has left me feeling very unsure about myself and my future. But I know I have to do something about it soon or else I probably never will.

I've started this blog to help motivate me on my way and to act as a record of my successes and failures. I hope that in the process I will be able to help other guys in a similar situation and that other guys will be able to help me.

Feel free to comment on my posts or even email me directly at