Right, another ridiculously long gap between posts but life has just been so crazy these last few months I can barely keep up with it myself. I just can't believe how much has changed for me in the space of a few short months. It's truly incredible how amazing life can be sometimes if you let it.
After having lost my virginity to Z, things have been going from strength to strength with us (except for a few complications that we're trying to work our way through).
We had sex again a few days later and it was great and a lot better than the first time because I felt more relaxed. Z then went overseas for a few weeks for work but we kept in constant contact via email, text and phone calls. By the time he got home we were both so excited to see each other, which was a sign for both of us that whatever it was we had going on between us it was something special. We still weren't rushing into anything though or putting labels on it but rather just kept on going with the flow.
I had been so miserable about how things had turned out with S and he had helped me get through the worst of it. But the fact of the matter was that I was already miserable before I met S, which is partly why I was so intense with him and why I got so upset with him when he didn't turn out to be who I hoped he would be. I was miserable because nothing in my life seemed to be going right. I had been home from travelling for 8 months and in that time had made little progress on both getting a career off the ground and getting my gay life off the ground. I was hating my job - wearing a suit and tie every day to a big financial institution where I would literally spend the day moving paper from one end of my desk to the other. It was slowly but surely killing my soul.
Just before Z went away on his trip he had introduced me to his sister who works at a big marketing company here in London. He hoped that maybe she would be able to give me some advice, as I studied marketing and had been looking into that sort of work with no success at all. Most of the time the jobs on offer were unpaid internships at mickey mouse companies that were going nowhere slowly. But his sister worked for a massive international brand of a company and it just so turned out that they were recruiting! So she submitted my CV to HR and before I knew it I had an interview. And two interviews later I had a new job! I couldn't believe how quickly it had all happened!
I immediately resigned and went to France to spend a week rejuvenating before I started. That was 3 weeks ago and so far things have been going well. It's still early days but I like the work environment (no stuffy suits!) and the people are lovely. And in terms of CV/career building I don't think I could be in a much better place. I'm not sure if I'll end up doing what I'm doing forever or if I'll change my mind but for the first time ever I finally feel like I'm on some sort of career path. Fingers crossed it takes me far!
In between all of this happening Z and I were spending more and more time together. Soon after I started work he took me to Paris for the weekend and we had an incredible time wandering the streets, eating and drinking at fantastic restaurants, getting massages at the hotel spa and spending a lot of time in bed! ;-) His generosity has become quite ridiculous. At first I was worried that he was just trying to buy my affection but it now seems that this is just how he is. He's got the money and he likes to share it. I don't want my opinion of him to be swayed by all of that but it's impossible not to enjoy it all. It makes our time together incredibly exciting as everything we do is spontaneous and nothing is too much trouble.
Another great thing about him is that he has gone out of his way to introduce me to his friends all of whom are lovely and down to earth. It's nice to know that not all gay men are cynical old bastards! Z's friends are incredibly successful, some of them being captain's of their industries. I find it really inspiring to see, as even though they're gay and have had their own issues with that over the years they have all still managed to build amazing lives for themselves and come out the other end with their personalities in tact.
The complications in our relationship (which we recently started calling it) come out of our 16 year age gap and the fact that this is my first experience at both sex and relationships. He and I both know that eventually I'm going to want to spread my wings and experience other guys. We've talked about it endlessly and have decided that there's not much point ending things now just because of that, as at the end of the day we're still having a great time together. I for one have no desire to end things straight away but I know I'm going to get curious at some point. We've talked about possibly having threesomes, as a way of introducing me to other guys and I must say I'm quite keen on the idea. Firstly, I'd like to experience other guys with Z being there because I feel comfortable with him but I also just really like the idea of a threesome! :-) Whatever we decide it's good that we're keeping the complications in our minds and are being incredibly honest with each other because if and when it does end we want it to end well so that we can remain friends.
And I can honestly say that even though I've only known him for a few months I already think of him as my best friend. How could I not? I mean in that time he has helped me get over the worst of the heartbreak with S, helped me get over my hang ups about gay sex, helped me get a new job and career and has introduced me to new friends. And he doesn't give up. My self-confidence is still pretty low after years of struggling with being gay but he keeps saying to me how much potential he sees in me and so he has made it his number one priority to get me to believe in myself. How great can one person be?!
In terms of our relationship I have no idea how it will all end and that does scare me sometimes. Sometimes I worry that I will end up being hurt and other times I worry that I will end up hurting him. It's been a whirlwind few months for me and it can be quite overwhelming sometimes. I find myself having to stop and catch my breath, which makes it difficult to decipher what it is I want. But it has also been an incredibly exciting and liberating time. After living in such a hole for so long there are no words to describe how great it feels to finally be making progress. And so I've learnt that it's good to just go with the flow and take risks from time to time, as they definitely can pay off, and ultimately everything that happens in life happens for a reason, whether you realise it or not. But it's also important to keep your head screwed on and not get ahead of yourself, as your luck can very easily run out if you are not careful.
I just hope my luck will continue!