Thursday, 28 April 2011

I think I'm in Love

The reason for my lack of posting lately is that in the last month my world has been turned completely upside down. Literally, this time last month, on the 28th of March, I was going about my life as usual. And then on the 29th I met a guy who I instantly fell for and things just haven't been the same for me since. It's been a month of extreme highs but also some lows and has ended in one massive question mark. I used to be an independent, unattached free spirit but I'm now a love struck old fool. And I'm not sure I like it!

It all started when I decided to attend a gay networking event in London. That in itself was a great success, as for the first time in my life I was out at night with a whole lot of gay people and I felt completely comfortable. There were guys from all walks of life, many of which I would never have guessed were gay, and it made me realise just how many like-minded and similar guys to me there are out there. I met some very interesting and frankly inspiring people; people who were comfortable in their skin and had made a success of their lives. But nobody caught my eye quite like him.

I'm hesitant to describe him, as he is quite successful and therefore probably quite recognizable to many people here in London. Don't get me wrong, he's no celebrity or anything (if only I was THAT lucky!) but his achievements in life definitely stand him out from the crowd. And apart from being really good looking (think dark, tanned and with an intense piercing look in his eyes), he is also just a lovely and interesting guy. Someone you would be proud to go out with and someone you would be proud to bring back home to your parents! I will call him S. 

I clicked with him from the moment I met him. We didn't chat for long though but in that time he casually asked what my surname was, which I didn't think anything of. Before I knew it he was gone, lost to the crowd and I was left with just the memory of a happy encounter and the thought that I would probably never see him again. That was until the next morning when I logged onto Facebook and saw that he had added me as a friend!

I wrote to him saying that it had been nice to meet him. He replied a few hours later asking me when I was free for supper. I told him when and he said cool. We arranged the details and for the next few days I could think of nothing else but him. Finally the day came and I was incredibly nervous. After having done a bit of Facebook stalking I had come to realise just how incredible he was - unbelievably successful in his career and absolutely beautiful to look at. I couldn't believe that he was even interested in talking to me let alone meeting me for dinner.

Dinner was amazing though. We ended up chatting non-stop until we eventually got kicked out of the restaurant at midnight. He walked me to the bus stop and kissed me on the cheek goodnight. I was euphoric. But also highly skeptical. I just couldn't believe that he was interested in me and he just seemed too good to be true.

The next morning I texted him saying how much I had enjoyed the evening and that it would be nice to do it again sometime. He didn't reply for hours and I was sat at my desk at work feeling more and more depressed. Until the early afternoon when I got a text back saying how much he had enjoyed it too and asking what my plans for the week were. I said not much. He asked if I fancy doing something. Before I knew it we had plans for another date a few days later.

That second date was probably one of the most incredible nights of my life so far. Like on the first date we had a great time chatting away about anything and everything and again ended up being the last people at the restaurant getting kicked out at closing time. That was when we found ourselves on the South Bank, walking along the river Thames and over the bridge to the other side. I was saying how I wasn't sure how I would get home from there, as the tube had already stopped and he said he would invite me to his if it wasn't a week night and if his flat wasn't a mess. I wasn't sure if this was just an excuse but as we stood on the bridge discussing taxi options he lent forward and kissed me. And we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. People walked by but we didn't care. We walked further along the embankment towards Big Ben, taking in London's most romantic views and stopping every now and again to kiss. And kiss. And kiss. It was amazing. At one stage, two guys walked past and laughed shouting 'gay boys!'... before they themselves stopped 50 yards ahead and proceeded to make out. It's times like those that you have to love London! Eventually we caught a cab and he got dropped off first. We kissed good night and I carried on home alone.

I was a bit perplexed as to why he didn't want me to go home to his. Maybe he is just house proud like he said. And it was 2am by that stage with another busy work day just a few hours away. He texted me to make sure I got home alright and I fell asleep. And then the next day, nothing. I knew he had a busy day at work lined up but a text doesn't take long to write. So when I finished work I wrote to him. And a couple of hours later he texted back. He was at a big work event but it was a nice 'hey u' type of text and the fact that he wrote it from the event itself and not later on when he got home made me smile.

What followed was a very confusing two weeks. We kept in contact by text on pretty much a daily basis (with some of the text conversations getting pretty dirty!) but there was no sign of a next date. I know he's a busy guy but I still thought that if you were interested in someone you would make an effort. About a week later we had a couple of near meetings but they didn't materialize and I was starting to feel despondent. Eventually though, just over two weeks later, I managed to fix a date with him.

I was a bit unsure about how it would go and was actually quite keen to tell him that I'm happy just to be friends if that's all he wants, as I was worried that I might have come across as too keen for his liking. But the evening was another massive success ending in us again being the last people left in the restaurant followed by another hour or so long making out session on the street outside. In between the kissing though we managed to chat about how we felt and I found out that the reason for his hesitance was that he has been hurt by people like me in the past who are new to gay dating and so end up moving on really quickly. And so he said he was keen to get to know me first. I told him I feel the same way but for opposite reasons. For me I feel like I'm in a much greater position to get hurt than he is because he's been around a bit and had experience in this type of thing whereas for me it's all new so I think I'm more likely to get caught up in it and take any potential rejection harder.

The next day he wrote to me saying that he was glad we didn't fuck as my first time should be special and I shouldn't rush it. We saw each other that night at an event but didn't get to chat much as he was busy with work issues. At the end of the night he said he was tired and as he had to get up early to travel home for Easter he didn't want me to come home with him. He did however kiss me on the lips goodbye in front of some of his friends.

Since then though, nothing. It's been a week and he's gone all quiet again. I eventually texted him today and got an immediate response and we had a brief exchange. But there was no sign of another meeting. I know he's a really busy guy but it still just doesn't make sense!

But listen to me - I've become a babbling love-struck obsessed fool! I hate people like that. Just a few weeks ago I was saying to friends that I didn't want a boyfriend. And I really did mean it. But then I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would meet someone like S. While I'm enjoying the ride to some extent, I'm hating how much it's consuming my everyday thoughts. I'm beginning to experience what people mean when they say that love hurts! I know I shouldn't but I'm already seeing this ending in tears for me and that's making me reluctant to take things further. He is such an amazing person that I almost don't want to do anything that might jeopardize us being friends in the future. But at the same time life is short and so maybe I should just take the risk and go for it.

One thing is for sure though and that is that in the past month my eyes have been opened to a whole new gay world full of potential. And that can only be a good thing.