DEVASTATED.

I am completely devastated! Things between S and I completely fell apart this past month and in such a terrible fashion that the end result could hardly be worse. I always had a bad feeling that this was all going to end in tears for me but I just can't quite believe what has happened.

Soon after the end point of my last post we had a bit of a text exchange where I said I was confused as to where I stood with him and that I didn't like how elusive he was all the time. He apologized and we established again that we liked each other - his exact words were "you're lovely, genuine and impossibly handsome". The next day he invited me to spend the afternoon in the park with him. And it was great. We didn't talk about anything serious, just random everyday stuff and he was flirting with me outrageously.  At the end he kissed me on the lips and we said that we would see each other the following week, as I had to spend the rest of the week studying for an exam. He was then really good with texting me after I had told him off and we spoke almost every day. But then when my exam came and went I heard nothing. He knew I was going to be free so I couldn't understand why he didn't suggest another date? So I took the plunge and asked him when I can see him again. He normally takes ages to reply but this time I hadn't had a reply in 24 hours. So I kind of flipped and texted him a sarcastic message saying "I'll take that as a no then!" He replied saying sorry and that he was just so busy and so I asked him just to call me because I was tired of texting all the time. But he avoided it the whole evening and it slowly descended into an argument.

What followed was two weeks of utter hell. I started texting him more trying to explain myself and trying to get an explanation out of him. I told him how I was turning dates down for him and that I wanted to go out with him but needed to know if we were on the same page or not. No reply. I suddenly thought that maybe I was coming across as too intense so I back tracked and apologized saying that I had had a stressful week and had wrongly taken out my frustration on him. He had been in Paris for the weekend (more on that later) and only replied when he got back saying thanks for my message and he'll let me know his plans for the week (with no reference at all to my other texts). He didn't let me know so I texted him again saying that I really thought we needed to chat but he replied saying he is just so busy adding that everything is fine between us and that he didn't want me worrying.

As he was refusing to see me I then (perhaps erroneously) decided to write him a long email explaining why I had maybe come across as a bit strong and telling him how much I liked him. I told him how important and significant he was to me because he is the first gay guy I've ever liked in that way and the first guy I've ever fully related to. I thought it would surely clear things up and make him realise just how much I liked him. But it back fired spectacularly. While he wrote back saying how lovely he thought my message was and how flattered he was I thought so much of him he said that he thought I might be latching onto him because he was my "first". He then continued to patronize me with all types of advice, which made me realise that he had read way too much into my message. So I wrote back trying to clear up the misunderstanding and again asked to see him in person so that I could just explain myself. He replied saying how he understood the misunderstanding but that he was going away so couldn't see me but that everything was still fine so I shouldn't worry. 

I couldn't accept this because I really felt I had come across in the wrong way and I just wanted to explain myself in person. So I kept asking him when I can see him and he kept avoiding it and telling me not to worry. But I knew something must be up so I continued. Eventually he started to say that I was putting him under too much pressure so I told him that I was giving up because I really wasn't asking for much and he was just being an arsehole. 

Eventually he asked me to come along to an event that he was holding so that we could talk there. I thought that was way too easy for him and I didn't think that it was the right environment to talk in. But he insisted that that was the only option so I had no choice really. When I saw him there I realised just how much I like him. All he has to do is look at me and I melt. So even though I was very angry with him I found myself just being way too nice. 

Then it happened. We went for a short walk and he told me how sorry he was but that he was still in love with his ex and that they were thinking of giving things another go. HEARTBROKEN. I was quite surprised by this, as I thought that he may have been seeing other guys but not an ex! I don't know why but I took it really well and told him I understood and we said we'd start things over as friends. He then disappeared off and didn't even say goodbye before he left. And I stupidly texted him saying that I was happy for him.

But the next morning I woke up and it dawned on me just how awful he had been to me. For over two weeks I had been sending him messages that clearly showed that I liked him and that I thought things were still happening between us and even though he had loads of opportunities to set the record straight he didn't. He even went as far as saying things were fine between us! The more I thought about it the more angry and upset I got with him so that night I wrote him another long message saying how hurt I was and how I really needed to have a proper chat with him so that I could get some closure on this whole thing. He again refused saying that he thinks it would be best if we waited a few weeks. I knew he would say that so I replied with a really abusive message saying how horrible I thought he was being etc etc. His response? That I am being unfair and over the top and that I need to stop emailing him.

How has everything descended to this point?! I know I came across as perhaps overly keen and probably should have caught a hint ages ago but I don't think I was wrong to presume things were going OK between us since that's what he led me to believe. I really do believe that he is completely in the wrong here. Remember that weekend in Paris? Well he was there with his ex! And that was the weekend I was texting him telling him how I was turning down dates for him. What a bastard.

If he had just set the record straight from the beginning I would never have jumped to such conclusions. And the worst thing about it all is that we could have easily just gone down the friend route and probably had a great friendship. But now I am SO hurt by what he has done to me that I just don't know if we will ever be able to be friends.

My head is all over the place at the moment and my heart is hurting so much. This whole love stuff just doesn't seem worth it. My faith in humanity and gay life has taken a massive blow as well. So overall this is just a terrible time in my life!! :-(