Tuesday, 20 December 2011

I am the world's worst blogger

I am officially the world's worst blogger. 

I have no excuse really except that this year has definitely been a year of big changes for me and so I guess life has always found a way to get in the way. Still no excuse and I'm sorry. I thought I would at least finish the year off with a post though to look back at the year that was and try make some sense of all my thoughts on what went wrong and what worked. I think it's always a good idea to finish off a year with some sort of self-review so that you can (hopefully) learn from your past mistakes and refine your future goals.

Firstly, it's only right that I update you on what has been happening since I last wrote...

I'm still going out with Z (we're nearly at 7 months!) and things are going well. We have our moments when we argue and get annoyed with each other but I think that can actually be quite healthy and shows that we care about each other. I think the most amazing thing about our relationship is just how comfortable we are with each other and how much we view the world in the same way (despite our 16 year age gap!) The age gap does still bring with it complications that may well derail us in future but for now things are good and I'm just taking things one step at a time.

Unfortunately I can't say such good things about work, as sadly I'm absolutely hating it! I won't bore you with why I'm not enjoying it but basically I'm just finding it incredibly boring and uninspiring. I look at my managers and don't find myself wanting their jobs and so I just can't see myself staying in this field. It's so frustrating that two years since graduating from university I still haven't found something that sparks something inside of me. Everyone tells me I'm being too hard on myself and I can't expect to find the perfect job so soon into my career but it would be nice to at least feel like I'm on some sort of path. At the moment I'm doubting whether I even want to work in marketing (which is what I studied) or even be in a traditional corporate culture. I seem to spend so much time just going round and round in circles feeling like i'm doing the wrong thing for me. I guess I am learning more about myself as I go along and am figuring out what I like and don't like and how I like to work but it's a slow process and I could really do with  a revelation right about now!

Work aside, it has been a pretty monumental year for me and I'm aware of how much I've actually achieved since leaving university two years ago. I've travelled around the world on my own, come out of the closet to those closest to me in my life, been on my first date, had my first gay kiss, lost my virginity and had my first relationship! I still can't quite believe how far I've come on the gay front this year and what's even more unbelievable is just how normal it all feels. 

In my first post of the year I listed some new year's resolutions so I thought I'd review them now and see how I did.

  • SEX! I wanted to lose my virginity and get more comfortable with my body and myself. This has been a resounding success - I lost my virginity in one of the best possible ways and I now feel more than comfortable having sex with my boyfriend. I do still worry about having sex with others though so I guess my confidence is not quite up there yet but I'm pretty happy with my progress so far.
  • Gay friends: I wanted to make more gay friends and I definitely did. I've met lots of amazing guys through my boyfriend. One concern of mine is that they are all older than me (some 8 years, some 24 years!) so I worry that if my boyfriend and I were to break up we might not stay friends. Time will tell but I do like hanging out with older guys anyway - I've always felt a bit old for my age!
  • Straight friends: I also wanted to make some new straight friends, which I haven't done as well at partly because I've mainly been hanging around with gay people but I think I have done well at consolidating my previous straight friendships. 
  • Work: I wanted to figure this out which I clearly haven't done. I guess I have gone some way to learn more about myself and what I want but I've still got a long way to go so this is a work in progress.
  • Positive mind: I wanted to have a positive outlook on life, which I have definitely failed at many times this year. I find it really easy to get overwhelmed by things and feel like the whole world is against me.
  • All the usual: I wanted to look after myself, which I have more or less done and carry on learning more about myself and what makes me tick, which I have tried hard to do but is a continuous process. 
So I guess my biggest failures this year have been my not finding work that I love and that could become a successful career and my not maintaining a positive outlook on life (maybe the latter has exacerbated the former? Probably). Another big failure was my experience with N. I still can't believe how that all turned out and how I reacted to it. He was definitely in the wrong but I feel a bit embarrassed by how crazy I went. On the plus side I did learn a lot of lessons from that time and have come out stronger for it.

My biggest successes for the year have definitely revolved around my progression into gay life: my first gay kiss, my first gay sex and my relationship with Z.

2012 is another new beginning and I'm hoping to make right some of the mistakes I made this year. Most importantly I want to have a positive attitude because I think it's true that positivity begets positivity. Hopefully that will rub off on my career and I'll finally get closer to finding something that is for me. Otherwise I just want to continue growing in my gay life. Now that I'm out of the closet there is no way I want to go anywhere close to it again!

I'm not sure if I will continue writing in this blog. Maybe I'll resurrect it in a different format. But I hope that whatever I have written has helped other people going through the same issues as me. I guess that if there was to be one take out I would want people to take from my coming out experience it would be that it really is worth just going for it. Don't wait any longer than you really have to because the longer you leave it the harder it will be and the longer it will take you to feel like you've found some form of normality. Have confidence in yourself and find comfort in the fact that there definitely are people out there who are like you and a life that you will fit well into.

Good luck!


Sunday, 7 August 2011

A Whirlwind Few Months

Right, another ridiculously long gap between posts but life has just been so crazy these last few months I can barely keep up with it myself. I just can't believe how much has changed for me in the space of a few short months. It's truly incredible how amazing life can be sometimes if you let it.

After having lost my virginity to Z, things have been going from strength to strength with us (except for a few complications that we're trying to work our way through).

We had sex again a few days later and it was great and a lot better than the first time because I felt more relaxed. Z then went overseas for a few weeks for work but we kept in constant contact via email, text and phone calls. By the time he got home we were both so excited to see each other, which was a sign for both of us that whatever it was we had going on between us it was something special. We still weren't rushing into anything though or putting labels on it but rather just kept on going with the flow.

I had been so miserable about how things had turned out with S and he had helped me get through the worst of it. But the fact of the matter was that I was already miserable before I met S, which is partly why I was so intense with him and why I got so upset with him when he didn't turn out to be who I hoped he would be. I was miserable because nothing in my life seemed to be going right. I had been home from travelling for 8 months and in that time had made little progress on both getting a career off the ground and getting my gay life off the ground. I was hating my job - wearing a suit and tie every day to a big financial institution where I would literally spend the day moving paper from one end of my desk to the other. It was slowly but surely killing my soul.

Just before Z went away on his trip he had introduced me to his sister who works at a big marketing company here in London. He hoped that maybe she would be able to give me some advice, as I studied marketing and had been looking into that sort of work with no success at all. Most of the time the jobs on offer were unpaid internships at mickey mouse companies that were going nowhere slowly. But his sister worked for a massive international brand of a company and it just so turned out that they were recruiting! So she submitted my CV to HR and before I knew it I had an interview. And two interviews later I had a new job! I couldn't believe how quickly it had all happened! 

I immediately resigned and went to France to spend a week rejuvenating before I started. That was 3 weeks ago and so far things have been going well. It's still early days but I like the work environment (no stuffy suits!) and the people are lovely. And in terms of CV/career building I don't think I could be in a much better place. I'm not sure if I'll end up doing what I'm doing forever or if I'll change my mind but for the first time ever I finally feel like I'm on some sort of career path. Fingers crossed it takes me far!

In between all of this happening Z and I were spending more and more time together. Soon after I started work he took me to Paris for the weekend and we had an incredible time wandering the streets, eating and drinking at fantastic restaurants, getting massages at the hotel spa and spending a lot of time in bed! ;-) His generosity has become quite ridiculous. At first I was worried that he was just trying to buy my affection but it now seems that this is just how he is. He's got the money and he likes to share it. I don't want my opinion of him to be swayed by all of that but it's impossible not to enjoy it all. It makes our time together incredibly exciting as everything we do is spontaneous and nothing is too much trouble. 

Another great thing about him is that he has gone out of his way to introduce me to his friends all of whom are lovely and down to earth. It's nice to know that not all gay men are cynical old bastards! Z's friends are incredibly successful, some of them being captain's of their industries. I find it really inspiring to see, as even though they're gay and have had their own issues with that over the years they have all still managed to build amazing lives for themselves and come out the other end with their personalities in tact.

The complications in our relationship (which we recently started calling it) come out of our 16 year age gap and the fact that this is my first experience at both sex and relationships. He and I both know that eventually I'm going to want to spread my wings and experience other guys. We've talked about it endlessly and have decided that there's not much point ending things now just because of that, as at the end of the day we're still having a great time together. I for one have no desire to end things straight away but I know I'm going to get curious at some point. We've talked about possibly having threesomes, as a way of introducing me to other guys and I must say I'm quite keen on the idea. Firstly, I'd like to experience other guys with Z being there because I feel comfortable with him but I also just really like the idea of a threesome! :-) Whatever we decide it's good that we're keeping the complications in our minds and are being incredibly honest with each other because if and when it does end we want it to end well so that we can remain friends. 

And I can honestly say that even though I've only known him for a few months I already think of him as my best friend. How could I not? I mean in that time he has helped me get over the worst of the heartbreak with S, helped me get over my hang ups about gay sex, helped me get a new job and career and has introduced me to new friends. And he doesn't give up. My self-confidence is still pretty low after years of struggling with being gay but he keeps saying to me how much potential he sees in me and so he has made it his number one priority to get me to believe in myself. How great can one person be?!

In terms of our relationship I have no idea how it will all end and that does scare me sometimes. Sometimes I worry that I will end up being hurt and other times I worry that I will end up hurting him. It's been a whirlwind few months for me and it can be quite overwhelming sometimes. I find myself having to stop and catch my breath, which makes it difficult to decipher what it is I want. But it has also been an incredibly exciting and liberating time. After living in such a hole for so long there are no words to describe how great it feels to finally be making progress. And so I've learnt that it's good to just go with the flow and take risks from time to time, as they definitely can pay off, and ultimately everything that happens in life happens for a reason, whether you realise it or not. But it's also important to keep your head screwed on and not get ahead of yourself, as your luck can very easily run out if you are not careful.

I just hope my luck will continue!

Saturday, 18 June 2011

The day I lost the big V!!

So it happened. I've had sex and lost my virginity! :-) And it ended up being with Z...

Things between us have been going well since my last post although we do have a very complicated and odd set-up. Not bad, just odd! And complicated, which makes it quite hard to write about!

In short, he's been an absolute lifesaver and the best possible friend I could ask for especially at this time when I've been hurting so much as a result of what happened with S. Following on from my last post, he apologized for putting pressure on me and for getting sad about me not wanting to go further with him. The following weekend we spent the whole of Sunday together and had a long chat about everything. I reiterated that I wasn't looking to get into anything with him or anybody for that matter at the moment and that I just wanted to be friends. In return he said how he would love to go out with me but that he knows it's not right for either of us given our age gap. But he said he still loves hanging out with me and spoiling me because he knows where I'm coming from and has been through it all before himself and so wants to help me get out of the rut that I seem to be in with so many aspects of my life (work, love etc).

The complicated part comes with the fact that while we are just friends we still cuddle up on the couch together and kiss! All of my friends think that is just weird and I guess it is. I've spoken to Z about it as well and he agrees; it isn't normal but then again why shouldn't we do it? The fact of the matter is that we feel incredibly comfortable with each other and we really enjoy the comfort that a good hug and a snuggle can provide. That's one of the things I love about being gay - you can easily have these sorts of unconventional relationships/friendships with people. It may seem peculiar to outsiders but if it works for you then why not?

Things are so comfortable between Z and I that we can easily spend 12 hours together doing nothing much more than eating and watching TV. And we both feel like we can chat about anything and everything with each other. He is SO generous as well; we often go out to restaurants and he always pays for everything and when I casually mentioned that I needed to get myself some new gym clothes the next thing I knew he had bought me a full gym kit from Nike! Sugar daddy lol.

As we've spent more time together I've started to like him more and more. He's still not really my type and I don't want a relationship with him but he's an incredible friend and like I said I do feel very comfortable with him. We started to cuddle and kiss more and more and every now and again Z would try push the boundaries a bit but I would always stop him from doing so. For some reason I just had a mental block with him that said I didn't want to go further.

But then last night he had a dinner party at his house with some of his friends and I ended up staying the night. We didn't do anything in bed though apart from the usual cuddling and kissing and eventually we fell asleep. This morning though we carried on kissing. We were both only in our boxers and so there was already a lot of skin contact. And as we spoke it started to dawn on me that maybe this was a pretty good situation to be in. I mean we are great friends, he knows exactly where I'm coming from in terms of  my lack of experience and all the hang-ups that come with it, and he's willing to show me the ropes at a pace that I'm comfortable with and without any strings attached. I thought to myself why hold out to have sex with someone else in a more high-pressured situation when I can have sex with Z and make all the mistakes I need to make without any of the embarrassment?

And so soon we were cuddling and kissing but without our boxer shorts on :-) He then went down and gave me a blow job. It was my first and it was ok but to be honest I've never really been turned on by the thought of getting sucked and now that I have been it still doesn't really do anything for me. I returned the favour though and that is more my scene :-) It was the first blow job I've ever given though and it was different to how I expected it to be. I'm not sure how or why but it just was. I enjoyed it though!

I then said to Z that I wanted him to fuck me. He was very keen to do this and so after the necessary prep we were soon going at it. It wasn't extremely sore but it did feel weird; like there was a lot of pressure inside of me and that something was going to burst, which definitely takes some getting used to! Z took it slow though until I got more comfortable. He likes to ram it home though and so it didn't take long for things to get a bit more rough, which I loved! Eventually I came when I was on my back with him pounding away on top of me - and man oh man, it was THE most AMAZING orgasm I think I've ever had!!! :-)

Afterwards, he cooked me lunch and I felt really good and relaxed, as if a big weight on my shoulders had been lifted. I'm not sure what's going to happen next; I don't think we're going to get into a relationship because we both don't feel that that is right for us but I'm sure we will continue to have sex and just be friends. 

Not too bad a set-up I think!

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Moving On

Last Monday I decided to go on a date with one of the guys I had previously turned down for S. This was before I found everything out from S so I was still in that stage where I was really confused about what was happening. And so I told my date, let's call him N, that it was to be a platonic date and he was fine with that. I didn't think I fancied him anyway but he seemed like a really interesting guy so I thought it would be good for me to at least get out there and make some new friends.

The evening turned out to be amazing. He is incredibly successful, interesting, kind and generous. He has met S before as well so was able to listen to all my troubles and give me some advice (stuff I really didn't want to hear though like how he may not be as sincere as I thought him to be). Unlike S who always kept his cards so close to his chest, N couldn't stop telling me how amazing I was. I wasn't going to disagree but he was being quite intense! He took me out for drinks at a fancy hotel and then dinner at an equally fancy restaurant and paid for everything. The combination of his appreciation for me and his spoiling of me meant that even though I wasn't planning to we ended up kissing on the street outside. And it was nice. But I just don't know. It wasn't the same as it was with S.

The following few days N texted me loads and always replied to my texts immediately even though he was busy with work and travelling in different countries. Everything kicked off with S during that time and N was there to lend a sympathetic ear. He then said he wanted to take me out on the weekend to try and cheer me up. 

That was yesterday and it was an incredible day. He couldn't have been a better friend to me. However, it has all got seriously complicated! 

I told him from the start that I really like him but that I'm not looking to rush into anything serious because I'm still hurting over what has happened with S. He said he understood and that he just wanted to make me feel better. Again he was incredibly generous, taking me out for coffee and then lunch and then dinner with his friends followed by a trip to a few clubs and paying for everything along the way including taxis, entrance fees - the works! In between the meals we went back to his flat and lay on his couch and on his bed just talking and kissing and cuddling. I made it clear that that was how far I wanted to go for now and he respected that. 

However, he said he had already fallen for me, which made me take a step back and think about things. I could see how besotted he was with me but for me it just didn't feel right. There was no spark or connection and when he kissed me there were no fireworks like there were with S. He is also 15 years older than me (40) and while he doesn't look it or seem it it is something that is holding me back somewhat. 

And so I spent the rest of the evening trying to let him down slowly. We had already established earlier that I was going to spend the night at his (out of convenience) so on the way home I had to emphasize how I was just not in a place to get into anything now and that I thought it was best we were just friends. Back at his and in bed he tried to cuddle and kiss some more and I went along with it a bit but then said we had to lay down some boundaries. If we are to go down the friend route we can't keep kissing because that's not what friends do! 

He became really sad about it all and said that he was disappointed I was still crazy about S even though he was a bastard to me and that he was disappointed I wouldn't give him a go when he had so much to offer me. I stuck to my guns though and eventually we went to sleep without anything happening. 

This morning I tried to clear things up a bit but he was still looking so sad so he drove me home. He said he was happy to be friends but that he was going to need some time to get over me. And that's how we've left it.

I find this whole situation kind of crazy because I did only meet him a week ago! He is a lovely guy and I definitely want him as a friend but I just can't pretend there is something there when I don't think there is.

The funny thing is that he is being with me exactly like I was with S (overly keen) although I think he is even more intense. And while I'm all heartbroken at being rejected by S he is now all miserable about being rejected by me!

Welcome to the soap opera that is my life!

Friday, 27 May 2011


I am completely devastated! Things between S and I completely fell apart this past month and in such a terrible fashion that the end result could hardly be worse. I always had a bad feeling that this was all going to end in tears for me but I just can't quite believe what has happened.

Soon after the end point of my last post we had a bit of a text exchange where I said I was confused as to where I stood with him and that I didn't like how elusive he was all the time. He apologized and we established again that we liked each other - his exact words were "you're lovely, genuine and impossibly handsome". The next day he invited me to spend the afternoon in the park with him. And it was great. We didn't talk about anything serious, just random everyday stuff and he was flirting with me outrageously.  At the end he kissed me on the lips and we said that we would see each other the following week, as I had to spend the rest of the week studying for an exam. He was then really good with texting me after I had told him off and we spoke almost every day. But then when my exam came and went I heard nothing. He knew I was going to be free so I couldn't understand why he didn't suggest another date? So I took the plunge and asked him when I can see him again. He normally takes ages to reply but this time I hadn't had a reply in 24 hours. So I kind of flipped and texted him a sarcastic message saying "I'll take that as a no then!" He replied saying sorry and that he was just so busy and so I asked him just to call me because I was tired of texting all the time. But he avoided it the whole evening and it slowly descended into an argument.

What followed was two weeks of utter hell. I started texting him more trying to explain myself and trying to get an explanation out of him. I told him how I was turning dates down for him and that I wanted to go out with him but needed to know if we were on the same page or not. No reply. I suddenly thought that maybe I was coming across as too intense so I back tracked and apologized saying that I had had a stressful week and had wrongly taken out my frustration on him. He had been in Paris for the weekend (more on that later) and only replied when he got back saying thanks for my message and he'll let me know his plans for the week (with no reference at all to my other texts). He didn't let me know so I texted him again saying that I really thought we needed to chat but he replied saying he is just so busy adding that everything is fine between us and that he didn't want me worrying.

As he was refusing to see me I then (perhaps erroneously) decided to write him a long email explaining why I had maybe come across as a bit strong and telling him how much I liked him. I told him how important and significant he was to me because he is the first gay guy I've ever liked in that way and the first guy I've ever fully related to. I thought it would surely clear things up and make him realise just how much I liked him. But it back fired spectacularly. While he wrote back saying how lovely he thought my message was and how flattered he was I thought so much of him he said that he thought I might be latching onto him because he was my "first". He then continued to patronize me with all types of advice, which made me realise that he had read way too much into my message. So I wrote back trying to clear up the misunderstanding and again asked to see him in person so that I could just explain myself. He replied saying how he understood the misunderstanding but that he was going away so couldn't see me but that everything was still fine so I shouldn't worry. 

I couldn't accept this because I really felt I had come across in the wrong way and I just wanted to explain myself in person. So I kept asking him when I can see him and he kept avoiding it and telling me not to worry. But I knew something must be up so I continued. Eventually he started to say that I was putting him under too much pressure so I told him that I was giving up because I really wasn't asking for much and he was just being an arsehole. 

Eventually he asked me to come along to an event that he was holding so that we could talk there. I thought that was way too easy for him and I didn't think that it was the right environment to talk in. But he insisted that that was the only option so I had no choice really. When I saw him there I realised just how much I like him. All he has to do is look at me and I melt. So even though I was very angry with him I found myself just being way too nice. 

Then it happened. We went for a short walk and he told me how sorry he was but that he was still in love with his ex and that they were thinking of giving things another go. HEARTBROKEN. I was quite surprised by this, as I thought that he may have been seeing other guys but not an ex! I don't know why but I took it really well and told him I understood and we said we'd start things over as friends. He then disappeared off and didn't even say goodbye before he left. And I stupidly texted him saying that I was happy for him.

But the next morning I woke up and it dawned on me just how awful he had been to me. For over two weeks I had been sending him messages that clearly showed that I liked him and that I thought things were still happening between us and even though he had loads of opportunities to set the record straight he didn't. He even went as far as saying things were fine between us! The more I thought about it the more angry and upset I got with him so that night I wrote him another long message saying how hurt I was and how I really needed to have a proper chat with him so that I could get some closure on this whole thing. He again refused saying that he thinks it would be best if we waited a few weeks. I knew he would say that so I replied with a really abusive message saying how horrible I thought he was being etc etc. His response? That I am being unfair and over the top and that I need to stop emailing him.

How has everything descended to this point?! I know I came across as perhaps overly keen and probably should have caught a hint ages ago but I don't think I was wrong to presume things were going OK between us since that's what he led me to believe. I really do believe that he is completely in the wrong here. Remember that weekend in Paris? Well he was there with his ex! And that was the weekend I was texting him telling him how I was turning down dates for him. What a bastard.

If he had just set the record straight from the beginning I would never have jumped to such conclusions. And the worst thing about it all is that we could have easily just gone down the friend route and probably had a great friendship. But now I am SO hurt by what he has done to me that I just don't know if we will ever be able to be friends.

My head is all over the place at the moment and my heart is hurting so much. This whole love stuff just doesn't seem worth it. My faith in humanity and gay life has taken a massive blow as well. So overall this is just a terrible time in my life!! :-(

Thursday, 28 April 2011

I think I'm in Love

The reason for my lack of posting lately is that in the last month my world has been turned completely upside down. Literally, this time last month, on the 28th of March, I was going about my life as usual. And then on the 29th I met a guy who I instantly fell for and things just haven't been the same for me since. It's been a month of extreme highs but also some lows and has ended in one massive question mark. I used to be an independent, unattached free spirit but I'm now a love struck old fool. And I'm not sure I like it!

It all started when I decided to attend a gay networking event in London. That in itself was a great success, as for the first time in my life I was out at night with a whole lot of gay people and I felt completely comfortable. There were guys from all walks of life, many of which I would never have guessed were gay, and it made me realise just how many like-minded and similar guys to me there are out there. I met some very interesting and frankly inspiring people; people who were comfortable in their skin and had made a success of their lives. But nobody caught my eye quite like him.

I'm hesitant to describe him, as he is quite successful and therefore probably quite recognizable to many people here in London. Don't get me wrong, he's no celebrity or anything (if only I was THAT lucky!) but his achievements in life definitely stand him out from the crowd. And apart from being really good looking (think dark, tanned and with an intense piercing look in his eyes), he is also just a lovely and interesting guy. Someone you would be proud to go out with and someone you would be proud to bring back home to your parents! I will call him S. 

I clicked with him from the moment I met him. We didn't chat for long though but in that time he casually asked what my surname was, which I didn't think anything of. Before I knew it he was gone, lost to the crowd and I was left with just the memory of a happy encounter and the thought that I would probably never see him again. That was until the next morning when I logged onto Facebook and saw that he had added me as a friend!

I wrote to him saying that it had been nice to meet him. He replied a few hours later asking me when I was free for supper. I told him when and he said cool. We arranged the details and for the next few days I could think of nothing else but him. Finally the day came and I was incredibly nervous. After having done a bit of Facebook stalking I had come to realise just how incredible he was - unbelievably successful in his career and absolutely beautiful to look at. I couldn't believe that he was even interested in talking to me let alone meeting me for dinner.

Dinner was amazing though. We ended up chatting non-stop until we eventually got kicked out of the restaurant at midnight. He walked me to the bus stop and kissed me on the cheek goodnight. I was euphoric. But also highly skeptical. I just couldn't believe that he was interested in me and he just seemed too good to be true.

The next morning I texted him saying how much I had enjoyed the evening and that it would be nice to do it again sometime. He didn't reply for hours and I was sat at my desk at work feeling more and more depressed. Until the early afternoon when I got a text back saying how much he had enjoyed it too and asking what my plans for the week were. I said not much. He asked if I fancy doing something. Before I knew it we had plans for another date a few days later.

That second date was probably one of the most incredible nights of my life so far. Like on the first date we had a great time chatting away about anything and everything and again ended up being the last people at the restaurant getting kicked out at closing time. That was when we found ourselves on the South Bank, walking along the river Thames and over the bridge to the other side. I was saying how I wasn't sure how I would get home from there, as the tube had already stopped and he said he would invite me to his if it wasn't a week night and if his flat wasn't a mess. I wasn't sure if this was just an excuse but as we stood on the bridge discussing taxi options he lent forward and kissed me. And we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. People walked by but we didn't care. We walked further along the embankment towards Big Ben, taking in London's most romantic views and stopping every now and again to kiss. And kiss. And kiss. It was amazing. At one stage, two guys walked past and laughed shouting 'gay boys!'... before they themselves stopped 50 yards ahead and proceeded to make out. It's times like those that you have to love London! Eventually we caught a cab and he got dropped off first. We kissed good night and I carried on home alone.

I was a bit perplexed as to why he didn't want me to go home to his. Maybe he is just house proud like he said. And it was 2am by that stage with another busy work day just a few hours away. He texted me to make sure I got home alright and I fell asleep. And then the next day, nothing. I knew he had a busy day at work lined up but a text doesn't take long to write. So when I finished work I wrote to him. And a couple of hours later he texted back. He was at a big work event but it was a nice 'hey u' type of text and the fact that he wrote it from the event itself and not later on when he got home made me smile.

What followed was a very confusing two weeks. We kept in contact by text on pretty much a daily basis (with some of the text conversations getting pretty dirty!) but there was no sign of a next date. I know he's a busy guy but I still thought that if you were interested in someone you would make an effort. About a week later we had a couple of near meetings but they didn't materialize and I was starting to feel despondent. Eventually though, just over two weeks later, I managed to fix a date with him.

I was a bit unsure about how it would go and was actually quite keen to tell him that I'm happy just to be friends if that's all he wants, as I was worried that I might have come across as too keen for his liking. But the evening was another massive success ending in us again being the last people left in the restaurant followed by another hour or so long making out session on the street outside. In between the kissing though we managed to chat about how we felt and I found out that the reason for his hesitance was that he has been hurt by people like me in the past who are new to gay dating and so end up moving on really quickly. And so he said he was keen to get to know me first. I told him I feel the same way but for opposite reasons. For me I feel like I'm in a much greater position to get hurt than he is because he's been around a bit and had experience in this type of thing whereas for me it's all new so I think I'm more likely to get caught up in it and take any potential rejection harder.

The next day he wrote to me saying that he was glad we didn't fuck as my first time should be special and I shouldn't rush it. We saw each other that night at an event but didn't get to chat much as he was busy with work issues. At the end of the night he said he was tired and as he had to get up early to travel home for Easter he didn't want me to come home with him. He did however kiss me on the lips goodbye in front of some of his friends.

Since then though, nothing. It's been a week and he's gone all quiet again. I eventually texted him today and got an immediate response and we had a brief exchange. But there was no sign of another meeting. I know he's a really busy guy but it still just doesn't make sense!

But listen to me - I've become a babbling love-struck obsessed fool! I hate people like that. Just a few weeks ago I was saying to friends that I didn't want a boyfriend. And I really did mean it. But then I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would meet someone like S. While I'm enjoying the ride to some extent, I'm hating how much it's consuming my everyday thoughts. I'm beginning to experience what people mean when they say that love hurts! I know I shouldn't but I'm already seeing this ending in tears for me and that's making me reluctant to take things further. He is such an amazing person that I almost don't want to do anything that might jeopardize us being friends in the future. But at the same time life is short and so maybe I should just take the risk and go for it.

One thing is for sure though and that is that in the past month my eyes have been opened to a whole new gay world full of potential. And that can only be a good thing.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

New Job and New Gay Friends

I've had quite a busy few weeks since my last post. Firstly, I started a new job! It's only a short-term thing (about 3-6 months) but I think it's a step in the right direction. You'll remember that I was considering moving into more banking type jobs. Well, as I was beginning to look, a last minute project arose at the asset management company my Dad works for. Even though it's not ideal to work in the same company as my Dad, I jumped at the opportunity because I really need the experience. It's a great company as well, with beautiful offices in the heart of London's financial district ("the City"). It's a fairly easy introduction into the world of finance as well and I'm learning a lot especially about which direction I want to head in the future. The only bad thing about it is that with starting a new job and meeting new people comes the whole issue of coming out again. This time it's even more complicated though. The fact that my Dad works in the same company makes me extra hesitant about telling people in the office. Even though he knows and is cool with it we've never really spoken about it, as he just leaves me to get on with things. He's a respected senior person in the company and I'm just not sure if I want to create a situation where people may start talking and where he might be brought into the equation. In all likelihood it would probably not be such a big deal and besides there are such stringent laws against discrimination nowadays that people will probably be too scared to say the wrong thing out in the open. But that doesn't mean they won't say things in private and as it's a relatively small company (about 200 people) it is fairly social with people tending to know each other's business. The company is also quite old school and my impression of it so far is that it attracts a lot people who are not necessarily used to meeting gay people. I don't really want to stay in the company long-term but I'd like to keep my options open and so I don't want them to think I won't fit in. That said, I also don't want to be someone I'm not and I don't want to have to lie again like I used to do in the past. It's the same old dilemma - it never gets any easier!

I'm making some progress on building up a gay friendship base though. I only know a couple of gay guys and even then I wouldn't say they were close friends. However, last week we all went out with some mutual friends and ended up having a great night at a gay club in Soho (I'm not really one for the gay clubs but this one was cool, laid back and not in your face). Since then we've been chatting more online and are making plans to make it more of a regular thing. We're even thinking of going to a gay professional networking event that happens every month in London.

I've also started to make progress on the sex/love side of my gay life in that I finally got around to meeting a guy from Gaydar! Don't get excited though as I didn't seal the deal. From his photos I could see he was OK looking but I wasn't really attracted to him and so I wasn't planning on anything happening. Rather, we had a lot in common so I thought I would use the opportunity as a sort of dry run and maybe make a friend out of it in the end. We decided to meet one evening after work in Soho. It felt quite strange to be meeting a complete stranger off the Internet but at the same time it didn't feel scary because we had been chatting a bit online and so we knew quite a bit about each other. When we did actually meet though, I could see his pictures definitely showed his good side, as he looked a bit chubbier in real life and so went from being not my type to definitely not my type! The conversation flowed fairly easily though and got us through a couple of drinks at a gay bar and a quick bite to eat. By 9pm though I was running out of things to say to him. He's 30 and so we're at slightly different stages in our lives. I also think the fact that I knew it was never going to lead anywhere very exiting made me lose interest a bit. I hope I'm not very fickle about how my friends look but I fear I might be a bit - I guess it's just nicer to hang out with someone you think is attractive (especially if they're a guy) because then there can always be a slight bit of flirting (however subtle and unintended) involved in the friendship. So I'm not sure if I can see us becoming long-term friends. I'll probably keep in touch but won't go out of my way. The nice thing was that it helped me take a step forward and so maybe my next meet with a guy will lead to more. And at the very least, I did feel very cosmopolitan sitting on the tube home thinking about how I had just met up with a completely random person from the Internet and never have to see him again! You've got to love big city life :-)