Monday, 28 February 2011

Out to 3 More People :-)

I had a great evening out in London town over the weekend. Great because I finally came out to my (now ex) work colleagues! You'll remember that I was really frustrated by the fact that I wasn't out to them while I was working there. I hate it when people don't know because then I always feel slightly on edge around them, waiting for the right moment to tell them. When people don't know I don't feel like I am my true self and I don't feel like they are true friends. But at the same time I still find it hard to actually tell people. You know, the usual crap!

The way it played out this time was interesting though; similar to other experiences I've had in the past and similar to what I know a lot of masculine gay guys end up encountering at one stage or the other. In one way it's the masculine gay guys saving grace when it comes to coming out. When I meet people they don't automatically think that I am gay because on the outset I'm just like any other guy - albeit better looking and more charming of course ;-) But as time goes by and people get to know me I think they begin to realise the truth even if I don't explicitly hint at it. This is particularly the case for girls (and especially hot girls), as if you don't show any interest in them (in that way) then they just assume you're gay. Of course this is not always the case and I think it tends to be the more cosmopolitan and worldly people that catch on sooner and are more laid back about it.

So back to this past weekend. I met three of my ex-colleagues (two girls and a guy) for drinks and we went out to a couple of really cool bars in London and progressively got more and more drunk. At the second bar we were all standing around talking when one of the girls (Y) turned to me and out of the blue said 'so what's your type?' I hesitated for a bit but fortunately I was drunk enough and felt comfortable enough with them (they're really cool people) to say the truth. After a moments pause I said 'well...first of all...male'. When she didn't react I asked if she had known I was gay. She said she hadn't until X (the other girl) told her a few weeks back at which point X chirped up and said 'I knew as soon as I realised that you weren't interested in me!' Lol I thought that was pretty confident of her but she is really hot and has guys falling around her all the time so I saw her point. Neither of them seemed particularly shocked or surprised - a sign that maybe people are becoming more used to masculine gay guys. X confirmed this when she said that at her old work there had been loads of gay guys who you just would never guess were gay. The guy there didn't add much to the conversation but didn't seem too bothered about it either. It was really nice how the whole situation was just such a non-event. The conversation lasted about two minutes in total before we all just carried on talking about other things. 

And so in the end it was a great night out and now I feel like I've got three new true friends in my life :-)

Monday, 21 February 2011

Gaydar Cont.

So that blond and tanned surfer dude from my last post did end up being too good to be true. Well he might exist but after initially being quite keen to chat he just suddenly stopped writing back. Perhaps it was something I said?! Not sure what though. Although I did ask him about him being bisexual so maybe he's not comfortable talking about that. But I have noticed that the whole Gaydar thing can be quite fickle anyway. I've been contacted a few times by guys and we've started chatting and then suddenly they stop writing back. I surely can't offend all of them! But perhaps they just want to hook up sooner than I do and so lose interest or else they get scared and run.

I'm just as fickle though so I can't complain. I've been chatting to one guy for a few days now. He's 30, is not bad looking (although he's not really my type) and seems nice enough. But I get the impression that he's looking for a steady relationship, which I definitely am not. And he's said things like he thinks my pictures are really "cute", which is a bit tooooo gay for me haha (I know that sounds ridiculous but I guess I'm just not used to guys saying stuff like that to me). And besides I'd rather be called hot or something to that effect. But cute. Nah, unless you're Brad Pitt that's just not going to do it for me I'm afraid :-)

Overall I'm feeling a bit disheartened by the online dating thing. It's easy enough to make friends on but actually hooking up is going to be much harder than I previously thought. Basically it all comes down to how I want my first experience of sex to be. Like I said before, it doesn't have to be with the love of my life but I do want it to be good and right. In other words I'm not sure if I want it to be just some random hook-up. But at the same time I can't see how I'm ever going to meet the right guy (or any guy for that matter) if I don't use the Internet. So I think some sort of compromise is going to be needed. The funny thing about it all is that I can't see myself getting hung up about meeting guys from the Internet in the future - it's literally just this first time that I want to be right. Because if it isn't I'm worried that it might put me off forever. And it's a big deal at the end of the day - so it feels right to make a big deal out of it.

It's times like these though when I wish I had been more open and comfortable about my sexuality at a younger age. Trying to get over hurdles like losing your virginity when you're 24 is so much harder I think than when you're in your teens and everybody around you is in the same boat. It feels ridiculous and embarrassing to still be so inexperienced at this age especially as it's not because of religious grounds or anything like that. It's simply because I just haven't felt comfortable with it yet. But the longer I leave it the harder it gets.

In other news, I'm still on the job hunt. I feel like I'm getting a better idea of what it is I want to do though. I'm not just looking anymore for things related to what I studied (marketing) and I'm even considering some jobs in the financial services sector, which I had completely ruled out in the past because I felt it was too dull. Basically I'm starting to realise that I want to work for a big multinational company rather than a small entrepreneurial company (unless it was my own) because I want to go far in my career and hopefully live and work around the world, which I think is more likely with the big firms. It's all about finding the right company now and I don't see why that can't be a bank (especially because they pay so much better than any other company!) The financial sector here in London also has an amazing gay network so it would be good to get involved in that.

The bad thing about job hunting is that I have a bit too much time on my hands to over think and over analyse things. While I know it's not essential that I get out there and start having sex straight away I feel like it is important that I do it sooner rather than later because I think it will help me to feel more comfortable about myself and to move forward with my life.

And besides, I really don't want to wake up one day and feel like I've missed out on my whole youth!

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Getting My Gaydar On

This weekend I set myself the goal of getting into the whole online dating world. Namely, Gaydar!

I had set up an account a few months ago but hadn't really done much with it up until now except for a bit of general browsing. But yesterday I signed up for full membership status and started making use of all the extra access that that provides.

I found the whole thing quite overwhelming though! When you're 24 and you still haven't ever had sex it's quite daunting to start putting yourself out there, especially when everyone else out there seems so experienced. And it's difficult to know exactly how to go about doing it. For example, I had a bit of a dilemma when it came to putting up pictures. I kind of want to use the site to make friends but also to have some random hook-ups if it feels right. There's no way I would ever put up face pictures for people to find but then I think that kind of limits your chances of finding genuine and nice people to make friends with because they don't immediately trust you. Putting up naked body shots seems a bit sleazy but I don't think there's much point of putting up body pictures if you're fully clothed. And if you're wanting to hook up with people then it's pretty important that they know what they're going to get. It's a tough one and I think a fine balance is needed so I ended up opting for some tasteful body shots with a whole lot of face pics stored to send privately to people I want to chat to.

Getting your profile sorted is easy though when compared to actually interacting with people! I started to get quite a few messages from guys, which kind of made me panic a bit because suddenly it was all very real and moving quite fast! Unfortunately quite a few of the messages were from really weird and scary looking guys - and I mean REALLY weird. I obviously ignored those messages and on the upside there were a couple of good one's that caught my eye. But then there was the whole problem of what are you supposed to say? It's such a weird and awkward situation. I'm particularly unsure about whether to tell guys that I'm a virgin. Will they think it's weird and run a mile or will they like the challenge? Should I just not say anything and pretend that I know what I'm doing? 

While I'm definitely very ready to get that part of my life going I do want my first time to be good. It doesn't have to be romantic or perfect or with the love of my life or anything like that. It just has to be good and something that I will want to look back on in years to come. It would suck big time if I didn't enjoy it - I'm confused enough already as it is!

Anyway, I've been chatting to a guy this evening who almost seems too good to be true. He's blonde and tanned (he's a surfer), apparently he's bi, and he just generally sounds like a pretty nice guy. I'm a bit suspicious really, as I know there are some strange people out there and like I said this guy just looks and sounds too good to be true! I guess time will tell...

Friday, 11 February 2011

Wax On, Wax OFF!

Today I did quite possibly the gayest thing I have ever done in my life.

It's borderline embarrassing but I don't have much shame so I thought I would share my experience in case anyone else is in a similar position to me :-)

You see, unfortunately, I'm not blessed with the smoothest of bodies. To be more specific, I have a bit of a hairy butt! I guess I should be grateful in that it pretty much stops there and doesn't extend up my back or anything but it's still not the best thing to have especially if you're a gay guy who considers himself to be a bottom. It's definitely something that has made me self-conscious about my body in the past and has possibly even contributed to the fact that I haven't yet progressed to getting out there and having sex. I mean I'm not really attracted to hairy guys (especially if they're hairy down there) so how can I expect guys I like to like me back? (Unless they have some sort of hair fetish of course but my pool of possible guys to hook up with is already pretty narrow so I don't think I'm in a position to put any more parameters on it!)

I've considered the whole waxing option on many different occasions in the past but have just never had the courage to do it. However, I knew that if I was going to move things forward it was going to be something that I had to do even if it was just for my own self-esteem. And so I started to do some research on the Internet and soon found out about a technique called "sugaring", which according to everything I read was more effective and less painful than normal waxing. Sounds good to me. And fortunately there's a place in London that not only specialises in it but is also exclusively for men. It's even run entirely by men! This is definitely a man-to-man sort of problem so that immediately sounded appealing to me and before I knew it I was booked in for a "butt and crack treatment".

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous before my appointment. The whole time I was on the tube I was thinking 'what the hell are you getting yourself into?!' But like with my sauna experience in Bangkok last year it was one of those things that I was adamant to do so there was nothing that was going to stop me. I immediately felt more relaxed though once in the reception because you soon realise that guys go in there every day to do this so it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It wasn't long before I was met by my therapist, a really friendly guy who interestingly didn't seem gay at all. I kind of automatically presumed that all the guys working there would be gay and maybe he was but if that was the case then he was definitely of the masculine variety! That kind of made the whole situation a bit awkward though because I could tell by the things he was saying to me that he wasn't 100% sure if I was gay myself. I kind of thought I would just leave that option open because if he was straight he probably would prefer to think I was too. How you can be straight and do that sort of job though I do not know!

If you are going to get waxed (or "sugared" I should say), you have to leave any dignity that you have at the door because the procedure is rather mortifying. He first left me in the room alone to strip entirely naked and lie flat on my stomach on the treatment bed. The door was to the back of me so when he came in the first thing he would have seen was my hairy butt! He immediately started to put me at ease though by chatting away about random stuff before applying the hot "sugar" to the relevant areas. By this stage I was bracing myself for some intense pain but I'm very happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. In fact I wouldn't even say the waxing part is that sore - there's a slight sting for a brief moment but that's about it. I think the worst part was actually the wax being put on because it's quite hot but even then it's not that bad. 

The reason sugaring is supposed to be less painful than waxing is because normal wax tends to pull your skin along with the hair while sugaring doesn't stick as much and so only takes the hair and its root. 

So at first I was on my stomach but then he asked me to turn onto my right side and lift my left knee up to my chest so that my ass was more exposed. This was really embarrassing because I could no longer hide my face in the little hole of the table but instead had to look at him while he did his thing! He then repeated this with me lying on my left hand side and my right knee up to my chest. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse though they did. After he had done the sides it was time for the crack and for this to be done I had to get up on my hands and knees with my head resting down on the table and my ass in the air! You would think this would be a pretty erotic moment but I can assure you it was probably the least arousing situation I have ever been in! Still at least the waxing part didn't hurt. And for the crack he doesn't use the normal waxing strips but rather his finger wrapped in some of the sugar mold, an interesting experience in itself. All you can do is laugh and think how strange life can be when you're on all fours with your ass in the air and your therapist says to you 'could you just pull your balls a bit closer to you and hold them so that I can get into your crack a bit more?'

Fortunately it was all over in about 20 minutes. And although it was a bit red I could see I was left with the smoothest and most attractive bottom I have seen in a long time (even if I do say so myself!) And after a quick shower and paying my bill (while trying my hardest to look my therapist in the eye) I was back on the streets of London and onto the crowded tube, as if nothing had even happened.

So overall it was a really successful experience and I'm happy I did it. Not only do I have a baby smooth bottom but I was also pleased I had the balls to go and do something like that. I only have to go back in about 6 weeks time, which I definitely think I will (as long as I don't get any nasty rashes or in-grown hairs in the interim of course!)

I would definitely recommend it to anyone who's thinking of having it done themselves.

The only thing I was unsure about was whether I should have tipped the guy?! It's like when you go have a haircut. Some people always tip but I don't think it's a rule and I tend not to as it's generally so expensive in the first place. But what's the rule with male waxing? If the poor guy was straight then I think I probably should have tipped him just to compensate him for having to go into my crack!

Monday, 7 February 2011

Wake Up Call

After yet another drama filled week at work I have finally shown my boss the finger and quit!

I've mentioned before how I wasn't too sure where my job was going. It was great to be a part of an exciting and unique concept but I was hating how everything was being managed and how we were being treated. Everything has unravelled in the last two to three weeks though with people being treated like absolute shit and being offered insulting salaries at the end of their internships. It became clear quite quickly that the only answer was to cut my losses and leave now. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details of it all as there are SO many stories to tell (some hilarious, some shocking but all so unbelievable that the mind boggles really). I could literally write a book on it!

All is not lost though as I feel like it has been a massive learning curve for me. For starters I have learnt so much about how NOT to do business! But I've also come to know more about what it is I want and expect from a job. Unfortunately I still don't know what exactly it is I want to do but I feel like a radical change of direction is needed. I realise now that it's OK to change your mind and your plans. Life is a journey and as long as you learn something from every experience you have and use them to progress in some way then you're doing just fine. It's hard to get your head around a change like that sometimes but it's also quite exciting and liberating to know that you have the freedom to do it.

So it's back to funemployment for me, which is quite daunting given how bad the job market is out there. But I feel that the last two months have given me confidence in my abilities so I'm hoping I will be able to find something bigger and better soon. I'm also hoping that now that I don't have the regular drama of work to deal with I may be able to finally make some progress with my gay life!

The other big thing that happened last week was that my uncle was diagnosed with terminal stomach and liver cancer. It was a really big shock because my family has been lucky in that we haven't ever had to deal with anything like that before. He is also only in his late 50s and has really young kids so it's incredibly sad. It was such a wake-up call for me. Even though you know this kind of stuff happens all the time it really hits home when it is so close to home. It makes you realise how short life is and how you mustn't waste it worrying about trivial things or putting off things that you really want to do. It was part of the reason why I quit my job actually because I thought why am I choosing to spend my time working under these rubbish conditions? And it's spurred me on a bit to get going on the gay front too.

Another new week another new beginning!