Gaydar Cont.

So that blond and tanned surfer dude from my last post did end up being too good to be true. Well he might exist but after initially being quite keen to chat he just suddenly stopped writing back. Perhaps it was something I said?! Not sure what though. Although I did ask him about him being bisexual so maybe he's not comfortable talking about that. But I have noticed that the whole Gaydar thing can be quite fickle anyway. I've been contacted a few times by guys and we've started chatting and then suddenly they stop writing back. I surely can't offend all of them! But perhaps they just want to hook up sooner than I do and so lose interest or else they get scared and run.

I'm just as fickle though so I can't complain. I've been chatting to one guy for a few days now. He's 30, is not bad looking (although he's not really my type) and seems nice enough. But I get the impression that he's looking for a steady relationship, which I definitely am not. And he's said things like he thinks my pictures are really "cute", which is a bit tooooo gay for me haha (I know that sounds ridiculous but I guess I'm just not used to guys saying stuff like that to me). And besides I'd rather be called hot or something to that effect. But cute. Nah, unless you're Brad Pitt that's just not going to do it for me I'm afraid :-)

Overall I'm feeling a bit disheartened by the online dating thing. It's easy enough to make friends on but actually hooking up is going to be much harder than I previously thought. Basically it all comes down to how I want my first experience of sex to be. Like I said before, it doesn't have to be with the love of my life but I do want it to be good and right. In other words I'm not sure if I want it to be just some random hook-up. But at the same time I can't see how I'm ever going to meet the right guy (or any guy for that matter) if I don't use the Internet. So I think some sort of compromise is going to be needed. The funny thing about it all is that I can't see myself getting hung up about meeting guys from the Internet in the future - it's literally just this first time that I want to be right. Because if it isn't I'm worried that it might put me off forever. And it's a big deal at the end of the day - so it feels right to make a big deal out of it.

It's times like these though when I wish I had been more open and comfortable about my sexuality at a younger age. Trying to get over hurdles like losing your virginity when you're 24 is so much harder I think than when you're in your teens and everybody around you is in the same boat. It feels ridiculous and embarrassing to still be so inexperienced at this age especially as it's not because of religious grounds or anything like that. It's simply because I just haven't felt comfortable with it yet. But the longer I leave it the harder it gets.

In other news, I'm still on the job hunt. I feel like I'm getting a better idea of what it is I want to do though. I'm not just looking anymore for things related to what I studied (marketing) and I'm even considering some jobs in the financial services sector, which I had completely ruled out in the past because I felt it was too dull. Basically I'm starting to realise that I want to work for a big multinational company rather than a small entrepreneurial company (unless it was my own) because I want to go far in my career and hopefully live and work around the world, which I think is more likely with the big firms. It's all about finding the right company now and I don't see why that can't be a bank (especially because they pay so much better than any other company!) The financial sector here in London also has an amazing gay network so it would be good to get involved in that.

The bad thing about job hunting is that I have a bit too much time on my hands to over think and over analyse things. While I know it's not essential that I get out there and start having sex straight away I feel like it is important that I do it sooner rather than later because I think it will help me to feel more comfortable about myself and to move forward with my life.

And besides, I really don't want to wake up one day and feel like I've missed out on my whole youth!