Moving On

Last Monday I decided to go on a date with one of the guys I had previously turned down for S. This was before I found everything out from S so I was still in that stage where I was really confused about what was happening. And so I told my date, let's call him N, that it was to be a platonic date and he was fine with that. I didn't think I fancied him anyway but he seemed like a really interesting guy so I thought it would be good for me to at least get out there and make some new friends.

The evening turned out to be amazing. He is incredibly successful, interesting, kind and generous. He has met S before as well so was able to listen to all my troubles and give me some advice (stuff I really didn't want to hear though like how he may not be as sincere as I thought him to be). Unlike S who always kept his cards so close to his chest, N couldn't stop telling me how amazing I was. I wasn't going to disagree but he was being quite intense! He took me out for drinks at a fancy hotel and then dinner at an equally fancy restaurant and paid for everything. The combination of his appreciation for me and his spoiling of me meant that even though I wasn't planning to we ended up kissing on the street outside. And it was nice. But I just don't know. It wasn't the same as it was with S.

The following few days N texted me loads and always replied to my texts immediately even though he was busy with work and travelling in different countries. Everything kicked off with S during that time and N was there to lend a sympathetic ear. He then said he wanted to take me out on the weekend to try and cheer me up. 

That was yesterday and it was an incredible day. He couldn't have been a better friend to me. However, it has all got seriously complicated! 

I told him from the start that I really like him but that I'm not looking to rush into anything serious because I'm still hurting over what has happened with S. He said he understood and that he just wanted to make me feel better. Again he was incredibly generous, taking me out for coffee and then lunch and then dinner with his friends followed by a trip to a few clubs and paying for everything along the way including taxis, entrance fees - the works! In between the meals we went back to his flat and lay on his couch and on his bed just talking and kissing and cuddling. I made it clear that that was how far I wanted to go for now and he respected that. 

However, he said he had already fallen for me, which made me take a step back and think about things. I could see how besotted he was with me but for me it just didn't feel right. There was no spark or connection and when he kissed me there were no fireworks like there were with S. He is also 15 years older than me (40) and while he doesn't look it or seem it it is something that is holding me back somewhat. 

And so I spent the rest of the evening trying to let him down slowly. We had already established earlier that I was going to spend the night at his (out of convenience) so on the way home I had to emphasize how I was just not in a place to get into anything now and that I thought it was best we were just friends. Back at his and in bed he tried to cuddle and kiss some more and I went along with it a bit but then said we had to lay down some boundaries. If we are to go down the friend route we can't keep kissing because that's not what friends do! 

He became really sad about it all and said that he was disappointed I was still crazy about S even though he was a bastard to me and that he was disappointed I wouldn't give him a go when he had so much to offer me. I stuck to my guns though and eventually we went to sleep without anything happening. 

This morning I tried to clear things up a bit but he was still looking so sad so he drove me home. He said he was happy to be friends but that he was going to need some time to get over me. And that's how we've left it.

I find this whole situation kind of crazy because I did only meet him a week ago! He is a lovely guy and I definitely want him as a friend but I just can't pretend there is something there when I don't think there is.

The funny thing is that he is being with me exactly like I was with S (overly keen) although I think he is even more intense. And while I'm all heartbroken at being rejected by S he is now all miserable about being rejected by me!

Welcome to the soap opera that is my life!

DEVASTATED.

I am completely devastated! Things between S and I completely fell apart this past month and in such a terrible fashion that the end result could hardly be worse. I always had a bad feeling that this was all going to end in tears for me but I just can't quite believe what has happened.

Soon after the end point of my last post we had a bit of a text exchange where I said I was confused as to where I stood with him and that I didn't like how elusive he was all the time. He apologized and we established again that we liked each other - his exact words were "you're lovely, genuine and impossibly handsome". The next day he invited me to spend the afternoon in the park with him. And it was great. We didn't talk about anything serious, just random everyday stuff and he was flirting with me outrageously.  At the end he kissed me on the lips and we said that we would see each other the following week, as I had to spend the rest of the week studying for an exam. He was then really good with texting me after I had told him off and we spoke almost every day. But then when my exam came and went I heard nothing. He knew I was going to be free so I couldn't understand why he didn't suggest another date? So I took the plunge and asked him when I can see him again. He normally takes ages to reply but this time I hadn't had a reply in 24 hours. So I kind of flipped and texted him a sarcastic message saying "I'll take that as a no then!" He replied saying sorry and that he was just so busy and so I asked him just to call me because I was tired of texting all the time. But he avoided it the whole evening and it slowly descended into an argument.

What followed was two weeks of utter hell. I started texting him more trying to explain myself and trying to get an explanation out of him. I told him how I was turning dates down for him and that I wanted to go out with him but needed to know if we were on the same page or not. No reply. I suddenly thought that maybe I was coming across as too intense so I back tracked and apologized saying that I had had a stressful week and had wrongly taken out my frustration on him. He had been in Paris for the weekend (more on that later) and only replied when he got back saying thanks for my message and he'll let me know his plans for the week (with no reference at all to my other texts). He didn't let me know so I texted him again saying that I really thought we needed to chat but he replied saying he is just so busy adding that everything is fine between us and that he didn't want me worrying.

As he was refusing to see me I then (perhaps erroneously) decided to write him a long email explaining why I had maybe come across as a bit strong and telling him how much I liked him. I told him how important and significant he was to me because he is the first gay guy I've ever liked in that way and the first guy I've ever fully related to. I thought it would surely clear things up and make him realise just how much I liked him. But it back fired spectacularly. While he wrote back saying how lovely he thought my message was and how flattered he was I thought so much of him he said that he thought I might be latching onto him because he was my "first". He then continued to patronize me with all types of advice, which made me realise that he had read way too much into my message. So I wrote back trying to clear up the misunderstanding and again asked to see him in person so that I could just explain myself. He replied saying how he understood the misunderstanding but that he was going away so couldn't see me but that everything was still fine so I shouldn't worry. 

I couldn't accept this because I really felt I had come across in the wrong way and I just wanted to explain myself in person. So I kept asking him when I can see him and he kept avoiding it and telling me not to worry. But I knew something must be up so I continued. Eventually he started to say that I was putting him under too much pressure so I told him that I was giving up because I really wasn't asking for much and he was just being an arsehole. 

Eventually he asked me to come along to an event that he was holding so that we could talk there. I thought that was way too easy for him and I didn't think that it was the right environment to talk in. But he insisted that that was the only option so I had no choice really. When I saw him there I realised just how much I like him. All he has to do is look at me and I melt. So even though I was very angry with him I found myself just being way too nice. 

Then it happened. We went for a short walk and he told me how sorry he was but that he was still in love with his ex and that they were thinking of giving things another go. HEARTBROKEN. I was quite surprised by this, as I thought that he may have been seeing other guys but not an ex! I don't know why but I took it really well and told him I understood and we said we'd start things over as friends. He then disappeared off and didn't even say goodbye before he left. And I stupidly texted him saying that I was happy for him.

But the next morning I woke up and it dawned on me just how awful he had been to me. For over two weeks I had been sending him messages that clearly showed that I liked him and that I thought things were still happening between us and even though he had loads of opportunities to set the record straight he didn't. He even went as far as saying things were fine between us! The more I thought about it the more angry and upset I got with him so that night I wrote him another long message saying how hurt I was and how I really needed to have a proper chat with him so that I could get some closure on this whole thing. He again refused saying that he thinks it would be best if we waited a few weeks. I knew he would say that so I replied with a really abusive message saying how horrible I thought he was being etc etc. His response? That I am being unfair and over the top and that I need to stop emailing him.

How has everything descended to this point?! I know I came across as perhaps overly keen and probably should have caught a hint ages ago but I don't think I was wrong to presume things were going OK between us since that's what he led me to believe. I really do believe that he is completely in the wrong here. Remember that weekend in Paris? Well he was there with his ex! And that was the weekend I was texting him telling him how I was turning down dates for him. What a bastard.

If he had just set the record straight from the beginning I would never have jumped to such conclusions. And the worst thing about it all is that we could have easily just gone down the friend route and probably had a great friendship. But now I am SO hurt by what he has done to me that I just don't know if we will ever be able to be friends.

My head is all over the place at the moment and my heart is hurting so much. This whole love stuff just doesn't seem worth it. My faith in humanity and gay life has taken a massive blow as well. So overall this is just a terrible time in my life!! :-(