Getting My Gaydar On

This weekend I set myself the goal of getting into the whole online dating world. Namely, Gaydar!

I had set up an account a few months ago but hadn't really done much with it up until now except for a bit of general browsing. But yesterday I signed up for full membership status and started making use of all the extra access that that provides.

I found the whole thing quite overwhelming though! When you're 24 and you still haven't ever had sex it's quite daunting to start putting yourself out there, especially when everyone else out there seems so experienced. And it's difficult to know exactly how to go about doing it. For example, I had a bit of a dilemma when it came to putting up pictures. I kind of want to use the site to make friends but also to have some random hook-ups if it feels right. There's no way I would ever put up face pictures for people to find but then I think that kind of limits your chances of finding genuine and nice people to make friends with because they don't immediately trust you. Putting up naked body shots seems a bit sleazy but I don't think there's much point of putting up body pictures if you're fully clothed. And if you're wanting to hook up with people then it's pretty important that they know what they're going to get. It's a tough one and I think a fine balance is needed so I ended up opting for some tasteful body shots with a whole lot of face pics stored to send privately to people I want to chat to.

Getting your profile sorted is easy though when compared to actually interacting with people! I started to get quite a few messages from guys, which kind of made me panic a bit because suddenly it was all very real and moving quite fast! Unfortunately quite a few of the messages were from really weird and scary looking guys - and I mean REALLY weird. I obviously ignored those messages and on the upside there were a couple of good one's that caught my eye. But then there was the whole problem of what are you supposed to say? It's such a weird and awkward situation. I'm particularly unsure about whether to tell guys that I'm a virgin. Will they think it's weird and run a mile or will they like the challenge? Should I just not say anything and pretend that I know what I'm doing? 

While I'm definitely very ready to get that part of my life going I do want my first time to be good. It doesn't have to be romantic or perfect or with the love of my life or anything like that. It just has to be good and something that I will want to look back on in years to come. It would suck big time if I didn't enjoy it - I'm confused enough already as it is!

Anyway, I've been chatting to a guy this evening who almost seems too good to be true. He's blonde and tanned (he's a surfer), apparently he's bi, and he just generally sounds like a pretty nice guy. I'm a bit suspicious really, as I know there are some strange people out there and like I said this guy just looks and sounds too good to be true! I guess time will tell...

Wax On, Wax OFF!

Today I did quite possibly the gayest thing I have ever done in my life.

It's borderline embarrassing but I don't have much shame so I thought I would share my experience in case anyone else is in a similar position to me :-)

You see, unfortunately, I'm not blessed with the smoothest of bodies. To be more specific, I have a bit of a hairy butt! I guess I should be grateful in that it pretty much stops there and doesn't extend up my back or anything but it's still not the best thing to have especially if you're a gay guy who considers himself to be a bottom. It's definitely something that has made me self-conscious about my body in the past and has possibly even contributed to the fact that I haven't yet progressed to getting out there and having sex. I mean I'm not really attracted to hairy guys (especially if they're hairy down there) so how can I expect guys I like to like me back? (Unless they have some sort of hair fetish of course but my pool of possible guys to hook up with is already pretty narrow so I don't think I'm in a position to put any more parameters on it!)

I've considered the whole waxing option on many different occasions in the past but have just never had the courage to do it. However, I knew that if I was going to move things forward it was going to be something that I had to do even if it was just for my own self-esteem. And so I started to do some research on the Internet and soon found out about a technique called "sugaring", which according to everything I read was more effective and less painful than normal waxing. Sounds good to me. And fortunately there's a place in London that not only specialises in it but is also exclusively for men. It's even run entirely by men! This is definitely a man-to-man sort of problem so that immediately sounded appealing to me and before I knew it I was booked in for a "butt and crack treatment".

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous before my appointment. The whole time I was on the tube I was thinking 'what the hell are you getting yourself into?!' But like with my sauna experience in Bangkok last year it was one of those things that I was adamant to do so there was nothing that was going to stop me. I immediately felt more relaxed though once in the reception because you soon realise that guys go in there every day to do this so it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It wasn't long before I was met by my therapist, a really friendly guy who interestingly didn't seem gay at all. I kind of automatically presumed that all the guys working there would be gay and maybe he was but if that was the case then he was definitely of the masculine variety! That kind of made the whole situation a bit awkward though because I could tell by the things he was saying to me that he wasn't 100% sure if I was gay myself. I kind of thought I would just leave that option open because if he was straight he probably would prefer to think I was too. How you can be straight and do that sort of job though I do not know!

If you are going to get waxed (or "sugared" I should say), you have to leave any dignity that you have at the door because the procedure is rather mortifying. He first left me in the room alone to strip entirely naked and lie flat on my stomach on the treatment bed. The door was to the back of me so when he came in the first thing he would have seen was my hairy butt! He immediately started to put me at ease though by chatting away about random stuff before applying the hot "sugar" to the relevant areas. By this stage I was bracing myself for some intense pain but I'm very happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. In fact I wouldn't even say the waxing part is that sore - there's a slight sting for a brief moment but that's about it. I think the worst part was actually the wax being put on because it's quite hot but even then it's not that bad. 

The reason sugaring is supposed to be less painful than waxing is because normal wax tends to pull your skin along with the hair while sugaring doesn't stick as much and so only takes the hair and its root. 

So at first I was on my stomach but then he asked me to turn onto my right side and lift my left knee up to my chest so that my ass was more exposed. This was really embarrassing because I could no longer hide my face in the little hole of the table but instead had to look at him while he did his thing! He then repeated this with me lying on my left hand side and my right knee up to my chest. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse though they did. After he had done the sides it was time for the crack and for this to be done I had to get up on my hands and knees with my head resting down on the table and my ass in the air! You would think this would be a pretty erotic moment but I can assure you it was probably the least arousing situation I have ever been in! Still at least the waxing part didn't hurt. And for the crack he doesn't use the normal waxing strips but rather his finger wrapped in some of the sugar mold, an interesting experience in itself. All you can do is laugh and think how strange life can be when you're on all fours with your ass in the air and your therapist says to you 'could you just pull your balls a bit closer to you and hold them so that I can get into your crack a bit more?'

Fortunately it was all over in about 20 minutes. And although it was a bit red I could see I was left with the smoothest and most attractive bottom I have seen in a long time (even if I do say so myself!) And after a quick shower and paying my bill (while trying my hardest to look my therapist in the eye) I was back on the streets of London and onto the crowded tube, as if nothing had even happened.

So overall it was a really successful experience and I'm happy I did it. Not only do I have a baby smooth bottom but I was also pleased I had the balls to go and do something like that. I only have to go back in about 6 weeks time, which I definitely think I will (as long as I don't get any nasty rashes or in-grown hairs in the interim of course!)

I would definitely recommend it to anyone who's thinking of having it done themselves.

The only thing I was unsure about was whether I should have tipped the guy?! It's like when you go have a haircut. Some people always tip but I don't think it's a rule and I tend not to as it's generally so expensive in the first place. But what's the rule with male waxing? If the poor guy was straight then I think I probably should have tipped him just to compensate him for having to go into my crack!

Wake Up Call

After yet another drama filled week at work I have finally shown my boss the finger and quit!

I've mentioned before how I wasn't too sure where my job was going. It was great to be a part of an exciting and unique concept but I was hating how everything was being managed and how we were being treated. Everything has unravelled in the last two to three weeks though with people being treated like absolute shit and being offered insulting salaries at the end of their internships. It became clear quite quickly that the only answer was to cut my losses and leave now. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details of it all as there are SO many stories to tell (some hilarious, some shocking but all so unbelievable that the mind boggles really). I could literally write a book on it!

All is not lost though as I feel like it has been a massive learning curve for me. For starters I have learnt so much about how NOT to do business! But I've also come to know more about what it is I want and expect from a job. Unfortunately I still don't know what exactly it is I want to do but I feel like a radical change of direction is needed. I realise now that it's OK to change your mind and your plans. Life is a journey and as long as you learn something from every experience you have and use them to progress in some way then you're doing just fine. It's hard to get your head around a change like that sometimes but it's also quite exciting and liberating to know that you have the freedom to do it.

So it's back to funemployment for me, which is quite daunting given how bad the job market is out there. But I feel that the last two months have given me confidence in my abilities so I'm hoping I will be able to find something bigger and better soon. I'm also hoping that now that I don't have the regular drama of work to deal with I may be able to finally make some progress with my gay life!

The other big thing that happened last week was that my uncle was diagnosed with terminal stomach and liver cancer. It was a really big shock because my family has been lucky in that we haven't ever had to deal with anything like that before. He is also only in his late 50s and has really young kids so it's incredibly sad. It was such a wake-up call for me. Even though you know this kind of stuff happens all the time it really hits home when it is so close to home. It makes you realise how short life is and how you mustn't waste it worrying about trivial things or putting off things that you really want to do. It was part of the reason why I quit my job actually because I thought why am I choosing to spend my time working under these rubbish conditions? And it's spurred me on a bit to get going on the gay front too.

Another new week another new beginning!

Homosexuality, Masculinity & the Media

One of the factors that made it really hard for me to deal with being gay while growing up and what prevented me from coming out to people sooner (and what still makes it hard for me) is the fact that gay characters featured on TV or in the movies always seemed to play up to the camp stereotype. There's nothing wrong with being camp, as you are what you are and it's great when gay people are represented in the media full-stop (as long as it's for the right reasons of course).  But if you're like me in that you're just like every other straight guy out there but you know you're gay and you don't have anybody in your everyday life to fully relate to then it's frustrating and disheartening to not have any role-models (even if they are just pretend ones) that you can identify with and look up to.

Not having those masculine gay characters on TV made me question myself a lot. I used to wonder if I really was gay because no matter how hard I tried I just didn't see myself in any of the flamboyant people on TV. I also found it a huge turn-off. Was I only attracted to straight men then? Well that's never going to end well is it and I envisioned myself dying a lonely death. I also think that the lack of masculine gay guys on TV is the reason why a lot of my coming out experiences tend to be quite surprising for whoever is on the receiving end of my news. You are?! Really?! But you really don't come across as gay?! They're all pretty common responses. And I find myself having to explain that the image they have in their mind is just a stereotype and while it is true in many respects it's by no means the rule. It's annoying enough to have to go through the whole process of telling people in the first place but it really would be nice if you didn't have to deal with the shock too!

However, things seem to be changing. I've noticed a lot of progress over the last few years and it seems like gay masculinity might be coming into fashion. For example there's been Andrew on Desperate Housewives who, apart from being really hot, struck a perfect balance between being macho and unashamedly gay. And on Brothers & Sisters there was Kevin Walker who was just an everyday guy next door so much so that he made me wish that he was real and I was his partner Scotty! I remember watching these shows in awe at what I was seeing (in fact I'm still awed when I see them) - finally there were characters out there that I could relate to and identify with! Even though they are just fictional characters and for the most part the actors themselves are straight, it was still the dawn of hope for me that out there somewhere is a gay life that I will fit perfectly into.

I recently came across a show here in the UK that has really impressed me in its portrayal of gay characters. It's actually the reason I wanted to do this post in the first place because I'm not sure how many people out there (especially those outside the UK) would be aware of it. It is by far the best portrayal of masculine gay guys that I have ever seen and watching it has made me really happy so I want to share the love, as I think seeing things like this can be a huge help if you're struggling with who you are. 

The show is called Emmerdale and it's a soap opera that is set in the English countryside. The two gay guys, Aaron & Jackson, are played by brilliant (straight) actors who pull off some incredible heart-wrenching performances. I won't go into too much detail about the story line as there's a great person out there on the Internet who takes the time to upload all their scenes on YouTube (minus the other boring soap stuff!) so you can watch the whole story line from the beginning if you wish. Just go to the YouTube Channel http://www.youtube.com/user/kimbaforevaryanlamb and look for the videos titled "Aaron & Jackson".  They're all numbered so it's easy to follow them in order.

Below are two of my favourite scenes though, which will give you a little taster of the full thing. The first one shows when they first get together and the second is when things all start to go downhill for them. It's amazing stuff I promise! Especially if you're a masculine gay guy like myself.

Unfortunately it is all a bit unrealistic as what are the chances of there being two young gay guys in the same tiny rural village let alone two hot masculine gay guys! But we can all dream hey?

It's got me wondering though - are there any other shows out there like this that I've missed?

2011: So Far So Good

It has been a really busy start to the year for me at work, which means not too much progress has been made on the gay front. I really do need to figure out how to strike that balance. To be fair though I have actually also had a few dental issues of late (with a couple of painful visits to the dentist's chair already under my belt) so that has sort of put a temporary halt to any thoughts of romantic encounters! But apart from that things are going, dare I say it, fairly well for me so far this year :-) 

The thing I'm most happy about is how positive I'm being. I almost can't believe it! I really think that having that mental mind-shift at the beginning of the year with regards to moving on from the past and treating this year as a completely fresh start has made a massive difference. There have been a couple of not so great things that have happened, which in the past would have probably set me off on a bit of a downward decline but instead I've been taking them in my stride.

Work is an ongoing issue as always. It's going well in that I've been given more responsibility, which is exciting and I still like the idea behind the whole company. It's a massive global concept, which if it works will hopefully be known about all over the world by the end of the year (I'm doing the marketing and PR for it so I for one hope it will be!) But it's a very entrepreneurial company (read unstructured with things changing all the time) and the CEO can be a bit of an idiot. There are a lot of cracks appearing mostly as a result of poor management and it's all starting to unnerve me a bit. I don't particularly want to hang around and have my name linked to a total disaster! I've also heard he offers rubbish salaries after the internship is finished so I also don't particularly want to hang around and be exploited. I think I'm going to sit it out for a bit longer though to try and get a better idea of what will happen but I reckon I need to start looking for other stuff on the side. Job searching has to be one of the most soul destroying things on this Earth though so I'm not looking forward to it. BUT perhaps something amazing will pop up so I guess it's worth a try - see positive thinking! :-)

The worst thing about work so far this year has been the whole gay thing. I still haven't told anybody in the office I'm gay and it pisses me off so much. I know I don't have to, especially at work, but like I've said before I just want everybody to know. Life would be so much simpler. Instead I've got the same old scenario where I'm always waiting for the conversation to turn into something where I can easily slot it in there, which it never does really. And so much time has passed that its become that much harder to do. What definitely makes it worse is that most of my colleagues are around the same age as me and so talk a lot about parties/clubs they've been going to and all the usual boring straight boyfriend/girlfriend drama that follows. So I feel a little bit on the outside as I know I'm definitely the only gay guy (or girl) there. Grrrr it's all very frustrating - with work being such a big part of my life at the moment it would be nice if I could just be completely open there and not feel like I'm back at university all over again. The worst thing is that it shouldn't matter that I'm gay and it probably wouldn't (I'm living in London for crying out loud) but I still have that mindset where I'm just never sure whether it's the right situation or not. Some people who know can be quite awkward about it as well because they have this stereotype in their head and don't really know how to deal with a masculine gay guy, which doesn't really help put me at ease either!

Outside of work though things have been pretty good. I've been seeing quite a bit of my small but close group of friends and it feels like we're getting closer every time we see each other. We've been going out to nice restaurants and pubs and just generally doing fun big city London sort of stuff. I sometimes think I don't really need a massive group of friends as long as I have a few great ones although I do still want to expand my circle if only to throw some gay friends into the mix. I've also started doing yoga again once a week, which I absolutely love! When I was in India last year I spent a couple of weeks learning it at an ashram and I got really good at it but it sort of fell by the wayside towards the end of 2010. I'm going to try keep it up especially as I go to a great class on a Sunday afternoon - I don't think there is a much better way to end off one week and start off another than with a spot of yoga! I've also been eating really healthily and doing lots of other exercise so I'm generally just feeling great and have a little bit of a spring in my step :-) Which is saying a lot given how rubbish the weather in London is at the moment!

One sort of bad thing that happened in my social life recently happened last Friday. I had been invited to the birthday of a friend from university and was initially quite keen, as I saw it as maybe a good opportunity to meet some new people. Seeing the guest list on Facebook made me change my mind though and in the end I decided not to go, which is a decision that bothers me a bit. Everybody on the guest list was from my university and while I didn't know most of them I still got the impression that it was going to be just like one of the university parties that I used to feel so awkward at. It annoys me that I feel that way because I really shouldn't care and I probably wouldn't if people there knew I was gay but none of them do including the birthday girl. She's the one I wrote about in an earlier post when I was struggling to tell her to her face (I really should start some sort of name system here). Well I still haven't told her and while I'm 90% sure she's heard about it from other people it's still awkward until it's actually said and I don't think her birthday party at a club is the best place to bring it up. So that all annoyed me a lot, as it felt like a massive step back for me. But then I thought that maybe it's for the best. I mean I'm trying to move on from all that university stuff anyway so I don't see why I should throw myself back into it unless it feels completely right. I'm big on trusting my gut instinct and while it's not always right and can sometimes fool you I think for the most part it's there for a reason.

Anyway, for the most part 2011 has been good so far so that is all that matters. The best thing is that I feel readier than ever to get this gay show on the road so hopefully once work calms down a bit and I feel a bit more sorted in life in general I'll have some positive results to report back.

New Year, New Me!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011 has arrived and mine got off to a great start with a trip to Ireland with some friends. It did me a lot of good just to get out of London for a few days and to spend some time with people my age who know and love me. 

 Ireland is so beautiful - the perfect place to start a new year!

I'm always big on new beginnings and making a fresh start and I try to do so every year (and sometimes every month or even every week!) This year seems extra important though, as 2010 was a bit of a disappointment and I feel like I'm now at a true crossroads in my life. It's been a full year since I finished university so I feel like all that stuff is well and truly in the past and I can move on for good. I'm really determined to make this year a massive success and to turn it into a building block for future success. So without further ado here are my new years resolutions for 2011!

• SEX! First and foremost I need to get sex into my life. I need to get rid of my virginity and start feeling comfortable with my body and sexuality. This is my main and biggest resolution for the year.
• Gay friends: I hope that if I can get more comfortable with being gay I will meet some like-minded gay friends too. I'm not sure how I will do it but that's just a detail for now.
• Straight friends: I also want to make some new straight friends and re-connect with old ones. After spending so many years with a pretty limited social life I'm left with a relatively small circle of friends. I want to change that for good.
• Work: This is a tough one because I'm still not sure what I want to do. But I want to keep looking and figuring it out and I want to be as strategic as possible. For now I'm doing the internship that I mentioned in my last post and hopefully something good will come of that but if not I just need to remain positive and believe that I will get there in the end.
• Positive mind: Which leads nicely into this. I find it so easy to slip into negativity and I believe that it's a vicious cycle. So this year I want to try with all my might to remain as positive as possible. I want to start and end everyday reminding myself why I should be happy and asking myself what needs to be done to fix things that are not working. And then fix them! Instead of just feeling sorry for myself.
• All the usual: Eat and drink well, keep fit and just generally look after myself. I also want to carry on learning about myself and figuring out what it is that makes me tick. And then doing as much of it as possible!

I have a good feeling about 2011 and I want to make it a year of massive changes that have a positive effect on my life. We never know what is around the corner but here I am sending as much positive energy into the universe as possible!
 

Let's see what happens...

The Dark Place That Is My Mind

I've had a bit of a rubbish month since my last post. I'm struggling with so many things in my mind that I find it so easy to fall into a really dark place and get stuck there. I can get myself worked up over the smallest of things and soon it feels like the whole world is against me and all I want to do is disappear. It gets so bad sometimes that I often just lie in bed thinking about what would happen if I did just run away or worse, kill myself. Yeah, I really do feel that bad sometimes!

When I think through things rationally I feel ridiculous because for the most part I have a great life. I mean I'm not starving, homeless, disabled or terminally ill and I've never suffered abuse or anything that bad really. Thinking of people like that reminds me how petty and stupid I'm being and that just makes me feel worse. But at the same time I can't really help the way I feel. As much as I would like it to, thinking about people around the world in far worse situations than I am doesn't make me feel better about my own issues. I guess that's just because my issues are exactly that. Mine. And in the context of my life they're pretty serious.

The thing I struggle a lot with is anger. I am SO ANGRY about so many things. It's not violent sort of anger but rather the type of anger that can send me into a long and deep depression.

Where do I begin...

I'm basically just angry about how so many things in my life haven't gone right so far when they really should have. I've had countless opportunities handed to me in terms of the school and university I went to that should have set me up in terms of confidence and friends and I feel like I've wasted them all just because I've been struggling with the fact that I'm gay as well as other stupid insecurities. Pretty much everybody I know seems to be happy and successful with their lives or at least getting there, which I find so frustrating because I feel like I should be like them. I get really jealous really easily. My brother is a prime example. He's a bit older than me, has had a successful job, is coming to the end of his MBA at a top American university and has an amazing job lined up in New York for when he finishes. He's full of confidence, has hundreds of friends and doesn't struggle too much with the ladies either. Compare this with me - I have very few friends, I'm not sure what I want to do career wise, I'm not comfortable with being gay and I'm still a virgin at 24 and I have very little confidence or idea of how to change things - am I justified in being just a little bit pissed off? The same goes with so many people I know from school and university. And what's even worse is that there are even a couple of guys who have come out as gay and are doing great - what the hell is wrong with me then?!

I'm really angry with how 2010 has gone for me as well. I decided at university that when I finished I would go travelling around the world on my own. I spent the whole of university either studying really hard so that I could get a good degree or working really hard as a waiter so that I could afford to do the trip. Both helped me keep busy, which helped keep my mind off my problems while at university. I convinced myself that it didn't matter that I had close to no life at university because everything would be fine when I finished and was out in the world. That thought alone was what kept me going. 

And then the time finally came and I feel like I messed it up completely. Sure I was away for 7 months and saw some amazing places in the world but in terms of "finding myself" and getting comfortable in my skin I failed completely. If anything I've become worse! The whole trip I was stressed out about what was going to happen when I got home. How was I going to tell people I was gay? What was I going to do career wise? I was quite successful in telling some people I met on the trip that I was gay but at the same time I was really unsuccessful because there were still so many people who I didn't tell because I was scared to do so or didn't know how to. And apart from my experience in Bangkok, which I wrote about in an earlier post, I met no gay guys and got nowhere in terms of feeling comfortable as a masculine gay guy. This is despite me visiting places like LA, San Francisco and New York!! I really struggled with my insecurities while I was away, possibly because I had so much time on my own to dwell on them. I'm not unattractive, in fact many people say the opposite, but I struggle to see what they see. Instead I see so many flaws, which absolutely cripple me. 

In the end I completely unraveled and fell apart on the trip. I spent a lot of time on my own and didn't meet many people at all - I think I've become quite cynical when it comes to meeting people to a point where I judge them before even getting a chance to know them. I was supposed to stay away for a whole year but came home after 7 months. I actually came back full of optimism though because I felt it was the right thing to do. It felt very much like a case of going travelling to find something only to find that what you're looking for is actually at home. I felt like I wasn't going to make any progress while away but instead had to be at home to do so. And to an extent that has been true. I mean as soon as I got home I emailed all of my closest friends to tell them I was gay and that went well. But apart from that the last few months since I got home have been pretty awful. I've made little to no progress on the gay front and in making friends in general. A recent development was that I signed up to gaydar.co.uk - however I've yet to get into it fully and am still quite hesitant to meet guys possibly because I feel so inexperienced. I've struggled massively with getting my career off the ground mainly because of the issues I mentioned in my previous post but also because there are just very few good opportunites out there at the moment. I have started working in the past month though. I got offered an internship doing PR for a very innovative and entrepreneurial company that has quite a cool and global concept. It seems to tick a lot of boxes for me but for some reason I'm still not happy. I'm not sure if PR is what I want to do and I'm not sure if this job is really going to lead to anything better. And I've struggled with the whole gay thing at work. We're a very young team with most of my colleagues being recent university graduates like myself. This has been frustrating because it feels like I am actually back at university in that everyone is confident, has lots of friends and amazing social lives while I don't. I feel inadequate and jealous just like I did at university. And this all makes me feel nervous about the whole gay thing coming up in conversation. I want to tell them but there hasn't been a right moment so far and I'm not sure if there will ever be the right moment. And if I do tell them I hate how I don't have anything else to say about it. I mean it's not like I have a boyfriend of anything. And that's all stopping me from telling them in the first place! 

It's all a vicious cycle and I know I sound a bit crazy but that is basically what is going around me head all the time. I know I'm being stupid and I know I'm my own worst enemy but it's really hard to change. I think only people in a similar situation will appreciate that. I can honestly say that I've never been as unhappy as I am at the moment. At least in the past I always felt like there was some glimmer of hope, something to work towards (like my trip) but now I just feel lost. I'm not happy with how my career is going, I'm nowhere near happy with how my personal life is going and I have little idea how to change things for the better. I'm not even happy with where I live. It's the middle of winter here in London and it is GRIM. I'm not from England originally and I really miss living somewhere warm and sunny. The weather in London makes me feel miserable and unmotivated to do anything. It sounds like a stupid thing to get upset about (a trend is developing I think!) but it really does make a huge difference just having a blue sky to wake up to in the morning. I'm also not happy with living back at home in general. My parents are great in many ways and are cool with me being gay but I miss my independence. They've also adopted an approach that my being gay isn't an issue and so they're not going to talk about it because they don't want to make a big deal out of it. That's fine to a certain extent but there are so many times where I really do want to talk about it so that I can get all of this stuff off my chest and hopefully not descend into depression. But I find it hard to bring things up and talk to them because they just seem to have a 'get on with it' sort of attitude, which is really not helpful even if it is well intended.

I do want to change. I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with my uncle who is a really cool guy and he said something that hit home in a big way. BE YOU. It's exactly what I need to do but exactly what I'm struggling with the most because I don't even know who ME is. My biggest challenges are to stop comparing myself to others, to stop getting jealous of them and to stop being so hard on myself about what's happened in the past. I need to move on, learn from my mistakes and figure out what it is that makes me truly happy and then embrace it.

It's easier said than done but I'm really hoping that 2011 will be the year that I finally get there.