New Job and New Gay Friends

I've had quite a busy few weeks since my last post. Firstly, I started a new job! It's only a short-term thing (about 3-6 months) but I think it's a step in the right direction. You'll remember that I was considering moving into more banking type jobs. Well, as I was beginning to look, a last minute project arose at the asset management company my Dad works for. Even though it's not ideal to work in the same company as my Dad, I jumped at the opportunity because I really need the experience. It's a great company as well, with beautiful offices in the heart of London's financial district ("the City"). It's a fairly easy introduction into the world of finance as well and I'm learning a lot especially about which direction I want to head in the future. The only bad thing about it is that with starting a new job and meeting new people comes the whole issue of coming out again. This time it's even more complicated though. The fact that my Dad works in the same company makes me extra hesitant about telling people in the office. Even though he knows and is cool with it we've never really spoken about it, as he just leaves me to get on with things. He's a respected senior person in the company and I'm just not sure if I want to create a situation where people may start talking and where he might be brought into the equation. In all likelihood it would probably not be such a big deal and besides there are such stringent laws against discrimination nowadays that people will probably be too scared to say the wrong thing out in the open. But that doesn't mean they won't say things in private and as it's a relatively small company (about 200 people) it is fairly social with people tending to know each other's business. The company is also quite old school and my impression of it so far is that it attracts a lot people who are not necessarily used to meeting gay people. I don't really want to stay in the company long-term but I'd like to keep my options open and so I don't want them to think I won't fit in. That said, I also don't want to be someone I'm not and I don't want to have to lie again like I used to do in the past. It's the same old dilemma - it never gets any easier!

I'm making some progress on building up a gay friendship base though. I only know a couple of gay guys and even then I wouldn't say they were close friends. However, last week we all went out with some mutual friends and ended up having a great night at a gay club in Soho (I'm not really one for the gay clubs but this one was cool, laid back and not in your face). Since then we've been chatting more online and are making plans to make it more of a regular thing. We're even thinking of going to a gay professional networking event that happens every month in London.

I've also started to make progress on the sex/love side of my gay life in that I finally got around to meeting a guy from Gaydar! Don't get excited though as I didn't seal the deal. From his photos I could see he was OK looking but I wasn't really attracted to him and so I wasn't planning on anything happening. Rather, we had a lot in common so I thought I would use the opportunity as a sort of dry run and maybe make a friend out of it in the end. We decided to meet one evening after work in Soho. It felt quite strange to be meeting a complete stranger off the Internet but at the same time it didn't feel scary because we had been chatting a bit online and so we knew quite a bit about each other. When we did actually meet though, I could see his pictures definitely showed his good side, as he looked a bit chubbier in real life and so went from being not my type to definitely not my type! The conversation flowed fairly easily though and got us through a couple of drinks at a gay bar and a quick bite to eat. By 9pm though I was running out of things to say to him. He's 30 and so we're at slightly different stages in our lives. I also think the fact that I knew it was never going to lead anywhere very exiting made me lose interest a bit. I hope I'm not very fickle about how my friends look but I fear I might be a bit - I guess it's just nicer to hang out with someone you think is attractive (especially if they're a guy) because then there can always be a slight bit of flirting (however subtle and unintended) involved in the friendship. So I'm not sure if I can see us becoming long-term friends. I'll probably keep in touch but won't go out of my way. The nice thing was that it helped me take a step forward and so maybe my next meet with a guy will lead to more. And at the very least, I did feel very cosmopolitan sitting on the tube home thinking about how I had just met up with a completely random person from the Internet and never have to see him again! You've got to love big city life :-)

Hats Off to Steven Davies

The English cricketer Steven Davies came out as gay the other day. He's the first openly gay cricketer and one of only a handful of professional sportsmen who has publicly come out. I can't even imagine how difficult coming out in the public eye must be especially if what you're famous for is playing a manly sport. It makes our own individual struggles with coming out seem so insignificant! And while I agree with those who say it shouldn't really create such a big media storm I understand why it does and I think it should until it becomes more commonplace. It is so refreshing to see people like Steven come out, as once again it helps break the stereotype. And the effect that that has on people out there like me in terms of helping them become more confident with who they are should not be underestimated. I really hope that more gay professional sportsmen are as brave as Steven and come out soon.

I found the video interview he did with The Daily Telegraph really interesting because I was able to relate to so many of his experiences and feelings. And like me he's 24 - so if anybody has his number let me know :-)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/cricket/8350779/Steven-Davies-England-cricketer-announces-he-is-gay.html

Out to 3 More People :-)

I had a great evening out in London town over the weekend. Great because I finally came out to my (now ex) work colleagues! You'll remember that I was really frustrated by the fact that I wasn't out to them while I was working there. I hate it when people don't know because then I always feel slightly on edge around them, waiting for the right moment to tell them. When people don't know I don't feel like I am my true self and I don't feel like they are true friends. But at the same time I still find it hard to actually tell people. You know, the usual crap!

The way it played out this time was interesting though; similar to other experiences I've had in the past and similar to what I know a lot of masculine gay guys end up encountering at one stage or the other. In one way it's the masculine gay guys saving grace when it comes to coming out. When I meet people they don't automatically think that I am gay because on the outset I'm just like any other guy - albeit better looking and more charming of course ;-) But as time goes by and people get to know me I think they begin to realise the truth even if I don't explicitly hint at it. This is particularly the case for girls (and especially hot girls), as if you don't show any interest in them (in that way) then they just assume you're gay. Of course this is not always the case and I think it tends to be the more cosmopolitan and worldly people that catch on sooner and are more laid back about it.

So back to this past weekend. I met three of my ex-colleagues (two girls and a guy) for drinks and we went out to a couple of really cool bars in London and progressively got more and more drunk. At the second bar we were all standing around talking when one of the girls (Y) turned to me and out of the blue said 'so what's your type?' I hesitated for a bit but fortunately I was drunk enough and felt comfortable enough with them (they're really cool people) to say the truth. After a moments pause I said 'well...first of all...male'. When she didn't react I asked if she had known I was gay. She said she hadn't until X (the other girl) told her a few weeks back at which point X chirped up and said 'I knew as soon as I realised that you weren't interested in me!' Lol I thought that was pretty confident of her but she is really hot and has guys falling around her all the time so I saw her point. Neither of them seemed particularly shocked or surprised - a sign that maybe people are becoming more used to masculine gay guys. X confirmed this when she said that at her old work there had been loads of gay guys who you just would never guess were gay. The guy there didn't add much to the conversation but didn't seem too bothered about it either. It was really nice how the whole situation was just such a non-event. The conversation lasted about two minutes in total before we all just carried on talking about other things. 

And so in the end it was a great night out and now I feel like I've got three new true friends in my life :-)

Wake Up Call

After yet another drama filled week at work I have finally shown my boss the finger and quit!

I've mentioned before how I wasn't too sure where my job was going. It was great to be a part of an exciting and unique concept but I was hating how everything was being managed and how we were being treated. Everything has unravelled in the last two to three weeks though with people being treated like absolute shit and being offered insulting salaries at the end of their internships. It became clear quite quickly that the only answer was to cut my losses and leave now. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details of it all as there are SO many stories to tell (some hilarious, some shocking but all so unbelievable that the mind boggles really). I could literally write a book on it!

All is not lost though as I feel like it has been a massive learning curve for me. For starters I have learnt so much about how NOT to do business! But I've also come to know more about what it is I want and expect from a job. Unfortunately I still don't know what exactly it is I want to do but I feel like a radical change of direction is needed. I realise now that it's OK to change your mind and your plans. Life is a journey and as long as you learn something from every experience you have and use them to progress in some way then you're doing just fine. It's hard to get your head around a change like that sometimes but it's also quite exciting and liberating to know that you have the freedom to do it.

So it's back to funemployment for me, which is quite daunting given how bad the job market is out there. But I feel that the last two months have given me confidence in my abilities so I'm hoping I will be able to find something bigger and better soon. I'm also hoping that now that I don't have the regular drama of work to deal with I may be able to finally make some progress with my gay life!

The other big thing that happened last week was that my uncle was diagnosed with terminal stomach and liver cancer. It was a really big shock because my family has been lucky in that we haven't ever had to deal with anything like that before. He is also only in his late 50s and has really young kids so it's incredibly sad. It was such a wake-up call for me. Even though you know this kind of stuff happens all the time it really hits home when it is so close to home. It makes you realise how short life is and how you mustn't waste it worrying about trivial things or putting off things that you really want to do. It was part of the reason why I quit my job actually because I thought why am I choosing to spend my time working under these rubbish conditions? And it's spurred me on a bit to get going on the gay front too.

Another new week another new beginning!

2011: So Far So Good

It has been a really busy start to the year for me at work, which means not too much progress has been made on the gay front. I really do need to figure out how to strike that balance. To be fair though I have actually also had a few dental issues of late (with a couple of painful visits to the dentist's chair already under my belt) so that has sort of put a temporary halt to any thoughts of romantic encounters! But apart from that things are going, dare I say it, fairly well for me so far this year :-) 

The thing I'm most happy about is how positive I'm being. I almost can't believe it! I really think that having that mental mind-shift at the beginning of the year with regards to moving on from the past and treating this year as a completely fresh start has made a massive difference. There have been a couple of not so great things that have happened, which in the past would have probably set me off on a bit of a downward decline but instead I've been taking them in my stride.

Work is an ongoing issue as always. It's going well in that I've been given more responsibility, which is exciting and I still like the idea behind the whole company. It's a massive global concept, which if it works will hopefully be known about all over the world by the end of the year (I'm doing the marketing and PR for it so I for one hope it will be!) But it's a very entrepreneurial company (read unstructured with things changing all the time) and the CEO can be a bit of an idiot. There are a lot of cracks appearing mostly as a result of poor management and it's all starting to unnerve me a bit. I don't particularly want to hang around and have my name linked to a total disaster! I've also heard he offers rubbish salaries after the internship is finished so I also don't particularly want to hang around and be exploited. I think I'm going to sit it out for a bit longer though to try and get a better idea of what will happen but I reckon I need to start looking for other stuff on the side. Job searching has to be one of the most soul destroying things on this Earth though so I'm not looking forward to it. BUT perhaps something amazing will pop up so I guess it's worth a try - see positive thinking! :-)

The worst thing about work so far this year has been the whole gay thing. I still haven't told anybody in the office I'm gay and it pisses me off so much. I know I don't have to, especially at work, but like I've said before I just want everybody to know. Life would be so much simpler. Instead I've got the same old scenario where I'm always waiting for the conversation to turn into something where I can easily slot it in there, which it never does really. And so much time has passed that its become that much harder to do. What definitely makes it worse is that most of my colleagues are around the same age as me and so talk a lot about parties/clubs they've been going to and all the usual boring straight boyfriend/girlfriend drama that follows. So I feel a little bit on the outside as I know I'm definitely the only gay guy (or girl) there. Grrrr it's all very frustrating - with work being such a big part of my life at the moment it would be nice if I could just be completely open there and not feel like I'm back at university all over again. The worst thing is that it shouldn't matter that I'm gay and it probably wouldn't (I'm living in London for crying out loud) but I still have that mindset where I'm just never sure whether it's the right situation or not. Some people who know can be quite awkward about it as well because they have this stereotype in their head and don't really know how to deal with a masculine gay guy, which doesn't really help put me at ease either!

Outside of work though things have been pretty good. I've been seeing quite a bit of my small but close group of friends and it feels like we're getting closer every time we see each other. We've been going out to nice restaurants and pubs and just generally doing fun big city London sort of stuff. I sometimes think I don't really need a massive group of friends as long as I have a few great ones although I do still want to expand my circle if only to throw some gay friends into the mix. I've also started doing yoga again once a week, which I absolutely love! When I was in India last year I spent a couple of weeks learning it at an ashram and I got really good at it but it sort of fell by the wayside towards the end of 2010. I'm going to try keep it up especially as I go to a great class on a Sunday afternoon - I don't think there is a much better way to end off one week and start off another than with a spot of yoga! I've also been eating really healthily and doing lots of other exercise so I'm generally just feeling great and have a little bit of a spring in my step :-) Which is saying a lot given how rubbish the weather in London is at the moment!

One sort of bad thing that happened in my social life recently happened last Friday. I had been invited to the birthday of a friend from university and was initially quite keen, as I saw it as maybe a good opportunity to meet some new people. Seeing the guest list on Facebook made me change my mind though and in the end I decided not to go, which is a decision that bothers me a bit. Everybody on the guest list was from my university and while I didn't know most of them I still got the impression that it was going to be just like one of the university parties that I used to feel so awkward at. It annoys me that I feel that way because I really shouldn't care and I probably wouldn't if people there knew I was gay but none of them do including the birthday girl. She's the one I wrote about in an earlier post when I was struggling to tell her to her face (I really should start some sort of name system here). Well I still haven't told her and while I'm 90% sure she's heard about it from other people it's still awkward until it's actually said and I don't think her birthday party at a club is the best place to bring it up. So that all annoyed me a lot, as it felt like a massive step back for me. But then I thought that maybe it's for the best. I mean I'm trying to move on from all that university stuff anyway so I don't see why I should throw myself back into it unless it feels completely right. I'm big on trusting my gut instinct and while it's not always right and can sometimes fool you I think for the most part it's there for a reason.

Anyway, for the most part 2011 has been good so far so that is all that matters. The best thing is that I feel readier than ever to get this gay show on the road so hopefully once work calms down a bit and I feel a bit more sorted in life in general I'll have some positive results to report back.

The Dark Place That Is My Mind

I've had a bit of a rubbish month since my last post. I'm struggling with so many things in my mind that I find it so easy to fall into a really dark place and get stuck there. I can get myself worked up over the smallest of things and soon it feels like the whole world is against me and all I want to do is disappear. It gets so bad sometimes that I often just lie in bed thinking about what would happen if I did just run away or worse, kill myself. Yeah, I really do feel that bad sometimes!

When I think through things rationally I feel ridiculous because for the most part I have a great life. I mean I'm not starving, homeless, disabled or terminally ill and I've never suffered abuse or anything that bad really. Thinking of people like that reminds me how petty and stupid I'm being and that just makes me feel worse. But at the same time I can't really help the way I feel. As much as I would like it to, thinking about people around the world in far worse situations than I am doesn't make me feel better about my own issues. I guess that's just because my issues are exactly that. Mine. And in the context of my life they're pretty serious.

The thing I struggle a lot with is anger. I am SO ANGRY about so many things. It's not violent sort of anger but rather the type of anger that can send me into a long and deep depression.

Where do I begin...

I'm basically just angry about how so many things in my life haven't gone right so far when they really should have. I've had countless opportunities handed to me in terms of the school and university I went to that should have set me up in terms of confidence and friends and I feel like I've wasted them all just because I've been struggling with the fact that I'm gay as well as other stupid insecurities. Pretty much everybody I know seems to be happy and successful with their lives or at least getting there, which I find so frustrating because I feel like I should be like them. I get really jealous really easily. My brother is a prime example. He's a bit older than me, has had a successful job, is coming to the end of his MBA at a top American university and has an amazing job lined up in New York for when he finishes. He's full of confidence, has hundreds of friends and doesn't struggle too much with the ladies either. Compare this with me - I have very few friends, I'm not sure what I want to do career wise, I'm not comfortable with being gay and I'm still a virgin at 24 and I have very little confidence or idea of how to change things - am I justified in being just a little bit pissed off? The same goes with so many people I know from school and university. And what's even worse is that there are even a couple of guys who have come out as gay and are doing great - what the hell is wrong with me then?!

I'm really angry with how 2010 has gone for me as well. I decided at university that when I finished I would go travelling around the world on my own. I spent the whole of university either studying really hard so that I could get a good degree or working really hard as a waiter so that I could afford to do the trip. Both helped me keep busy, which helped keep my mind off my problems while at university. I convinced myself that it didn't matter that I had close to no life at university because everything would be fine when I finished and was out in the world. That thought alone was what kept me going. 

And then the time finally came and I feel like I messed it up completely. Sure I was away for 7 months and saw some amazing places in the world but in terms of "finding myself" and getting comfortable in my skin I failed completely. If anything I've become worse! The whole trip I was stressed out about what was going to happen when I got home. How was I going to tell people I was gay? What was I going to do career wise? I was quite successful in telling some people I met on the trip that I was gay but at the same time I was really unsuccessful because there were still so many people who I didn't tell because I was scared to do so or didn't know how to. And apart from my experience in Bangkok, which I wrote about in an earlier post, I met no gay guys and got nowhere in terms of feeling comfortable as a masculine gay guy. This is despite me visiting places like LA, San Francisco and New York!! I really struggled with my insecurities while I was away, possibly because I had so much time on my own to dwell on them. I'm not unattractive, in fact many people say the opposite, but I struggle to see what they see. Instead I see so many flaws, which absolutely cripple me. 

In the end I completely unraveled and fell apart on the trip. I spent a lot of time on my own and didn't meet many people at all - I think I've become quite cynical when it comes to meeting people to a point where I judge them before even getting a chance to know them. I was supposed to stay away for a whole year but came home after 7 months. I actually came back full of optimism though because I felt it was the right thing to do. It felt very much like a case of going travelling to find something only to find that what you're looking for is actually at home. I felt like I wasn't going to make any progress while away but instead had to be at home to do so. And to an extent that has been true. I mean as soon as I got home I emailed all of my closest friends to tell them I was gay and that went well. But apart from that the last few months since I got home have been pretty awful. I've made little to no progress on the gay front and in making friends in general. A recent development was that I signed up to gaydar.co.uk - however I've yet to get into it fully and am still quite hesitant to meet guys possibly because I feel so inexperienced. I've struggled massively with getting my career off the ground mainly because of the issues I mentioned in my previous post but also because there are just very few good opportunites out there at the moment. I have started working in the past month though. I got offered an internship doing PR for a very innovative and entrepreneurial company that has quite a cool and global concept. It seems to tick a lot of boxes for me but for some reason I'm still not happy. I'm not sure if PR is what I want to do and I'm not sure if this job is really going to lead to anything better. And I've struggled with the whole gay thing at work. We're a very young team with most of my colleagues being recent university graduates like myself. This has been frustrating because it feels like I am actually back at university in that everyone is confident, has lots of friends and amazing social lives while I don't. I feel inadequate and jealous just like I did at university. And this all makes me feel nervous about the whole gay thing coming up in conversation. I want to tell them but there hasn't been a right moment so far and I'm not sure if there will ever be the right moment. And if I do tell them I hate how I don't have anything else to say about it. I mean it's not like I have a boyfriend of anything. And that's all stopping me from telling them in the first place! 

It's all a vicious cycle and I know I sound a bit crazy but that is basically what is going around me head all the time. I know I'm being stupid and I know I'm my own worst enemy but it's really hard to change. I think only people in a similar situation will appreciate that. I can honestly say that I've never been as unhappy as I am at the moment. At least in the past I always felt like there was some glimmer of hope, something to work towards (like my trip) but now I just feel lost. I'm not happy with how my career is going, I'm nowhere near happy with how my personal life is going and I have little idea how to change things for the better. I'm not even happy with where I live. It's the middle of winter here in London and it is GRIM. I'm not from England originally and I really miss living somewhere warm and sunny. The weather in London makes me feel miserable and unmotivated to do anything. It sounds like a stupid thing to get upset about (a trend is developing I think!) but it really does make a huge difference just having a blue sky to wake up to in the morning. I'm also not happy with living back at home in general. My parents are great in many ways and are cool with me being gay but I miss my independence. They've also adopted an approach that my being gay isn't an issue and so they're not going to talk about it because they don't want to make a big deal out of it. That's fine to a certain extent but there are so many times where I really do want to talk about it so that I can get all of this stuff off my chest and hopefully not descend into depression. But I find it hard to bring things up and talk to them because they just seem to have a 'get on with it' sort of attitude, which is really not helpful even if it is well intended.

I do want to change. I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with my uncle who is a really cool guy and he said something that hit home in a big way. BE YOU. It's exactly what I need to do but exactly what I'm struggling with the most because I don't even know who ME is. My biggest challenges are to stop comparing myself to others, to stop getting jealous of them and to stop being so hard on myself about what's happened in the past. I need to move on, learn from my mistakes and figure out what it is that makes me truly happy and then embrace it.

It's easier said than done but I'm really hoping that 2011 will be the year that I finally get there.

Things Weighing on my Mind...

Apart from figuring out how to get my gay life on the go there are some other things that are weighing on my mind at the moment. And unfortunately they seem to be getting in the way as well. 

Having recently graduated from university and returned home from my post-university celebratory travels, I'm now trying to get my career up and running. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people who has always known exactly what they want to do with their lives. Instead I think I'm more confused than ever! I studied business and specialised in marketing and I feel like I want to go in that sort of direction but there are so many variables out there that are confusing the hell out of me.

For example, do I go the corporate route or try out a more entrepreneurial/small business alternative? The corporates offer money, benefits and opportunities for fast career progression but the thought of being just another cog in the big corporate machine is a bit depressing. A small business on the other hand could provide the opportunity of being involved in something a bit more original - granted, that is, you actually manage to get involved in something truly innovative. If not, you risk being a part of something that's just a big waste of time and then you don't have the comfort of the corporate benefits to fall back on. Ultimately I would love to start my own business one day but I feel like I need some more experience before I do so (not to mention an idea!) But which route would be best to take to get that experience? And then there's the whole challenge of actually getting the experience. The job market is still not good out there and I'm finding it pretty difficult as a graduate to get that all important foot in the door.

I think my greatest fear when it comes to my career is that I will spend the rest of my life being a nobody. Now I don't necessarily mean I want to become a celebrity or anything (although I probably wouldn't say no to that, as long as I was famous for the right reasons of course!) What I mean is that I'm worried that I'll end up doing something that will have no significance for the world whatsoever. I want to do something that will personally challenge me and force me to be the best I can possibly be but I also want to be a part of something that will add some meaningful value to the world. I don't necessarily want to cure cancer or anything (I'm not that idealistic) but I do want to do something that brings some sort meaning or benefit into the world. So many of the job descriptions I read seem so random and pointless that they leave me wondering if the world would be any different if they didn't exist? And I don't want to be a part of anything like that.

In a way I face the age old dilemma of money vs passion. I obviously want to earn lots of money and have the best life possible but I also want to do what I absolutely love doing. At the moment it doesn't seem possible to have both but I hope that one day I'll figure out a way to achieve it. My biggest problem at the moment though is that I'm just not that sure what it is I actually want to do! What am I passionate about that I can turn into a viable long-term career?! All I know is that I want to go far but that's not enough - you need to figure out how you're going to get there.

I know it's difficult for anyone else but me to help me on this and so I'm sorry to have put you through my ramblings but sometimes it does help to just write things down and see them in front of you. It sort of puts your thoughts in order a bit. 

I think I will be facing these challenges for a while to come, which is annoying because it's taking up a lot of my time and energy, which I need to be putting towards my personal life. I know I should probably work on both at the same time but they're both such huge and fundamental parts of my life that I kind of want to just take them one at a time. I feel that once I've got my professional life on track then I can properly concentrate on getting my personal life up to scratch as well.

There are a few things on the gay front that have been worrying me a bit lately too. For starters, I'm still finding it difficult to actually tell people that I'm gay. I mentioned earlier that I recently told my closest friends via email, which was very difficult at the time but in hindsight was the best possible way I could have done it. I realised this when I had lunch with a friend the other day. She's not one of my best friends but we have known each other for quite a few years and spent a lot of time together in the past. I've seen her a few times in the last few months but only at social gatherings where the opportunity to tell her never presented itself. Now that I was having lunch with her on her own though I was determined to tell her and just get it out of the way. But I couldn't!  Sometimes I find it so easy to tell people and I know she wouldn't have a problem with it but sometimes the way people are/act/talk doesn't put me at my ease, which makes it difficult to open up about such personal things. It's frustrating because I just want everybody I encounter to KNOW.

It's definitely one of the biggest challenges I find of being a masculine gay guy. You don't fit the stereotype that people have of gay people and so they don't automatically know you're gay when you meet them making every time you come out a bit awkward. And then even once you're out I find things don't necessarily get easy, as I think people still have some sort of preconceived idea of how gay people should act or what they should talk about. Today I was having lunch with another friend of mine although she has always known that I was gay. When the conversation turned to more "gay friendly" topics like her latest crush or her problems with moisturising I found that I didn't feel totally comfortable. I don't have a problem talking about such things, it's just that I couldn't help but feel like I should be making excessive hand movements or something while I was talking because without them I feel like a bit of a fraud. I know this is all ridiculous but I'm still not at that place where I feel genuinely comfortable as a masculine gay guy.

So these things have all been getting me down a bit lately but I'm trying my best to stay positive, as I'm a firm believer that positive energy gets rewarded with positive results. I'm hoping that in the not too distant future I will figure out what it is I want from life and find a career that is both financially and personally rewarding and that results in something of value being brought into the world. And I hope that I will soon start to feel more comfortable being a masculine gay guy so that I can start having a more fulfilling personal life too.

Here's hoping that someone/something out there in the universe is listening to me!