New Job and New Gay Friends

I've had quite a busy few weeks since my last post. Firstly, I started a new job! It's only a short-term thing (about 3-6 months) but I think it's a step in the right direction. You'll remember that I was considering moving into more banking type jobs. Well, as I was beginning to look, a last minute project arose at the asset management company my Dad works for. Even though it's not ideal to work in the same company as my Dad, I jumped at the opportunity because I really need the experience. It's a great company as well, with beautiful offices in the heart of London's financial district ("the City"). It's a fairly easy introduction into the world of finance as well and I'm learning a lot especially about which direction I want to head in the future. The only bad thing about it is that with starting a new job and meeting new people comes the whole issue of coming out again. This time it's even more complicated though. The fact that my Dad works in the same company makes me extra hesitant about telling people in the office. Even though he knows and is cool with it we've never really spoken about it, as he just leaves me to get on with things. He's a respected senior person in the company and I'm just not sure if I want to create a situation where people may start talking and where he might be brought into the equation. In all likelihood it would probably not be such a big deal and besides there are such stringent laws against discrimination nowadays that people will probably be too scared to say the wrong thing out in the open. But that doesn't mean they won't say things in private and as it's a relatively small company (about 200 people) it is fairly social with people tending to know each other's business. The company is also quite old school and my impression of it so far is that it attracts a lot people who are not necessarily used to meeting gay people. I don't really want to stay in the company long-term but I'd like to keep my options open and so I don't want them to think I won't fit in. That said, I also don't want to be someone I'm not and I don't want to have to lie again like I used to do in the past. It's the same old dilemma - it never gets any easier!

I'm making some progress on building up a gay friendship base though. I only know a couple of gay guys and even then I wouldn't say they were close friends. However, last week we all went out with some mutual friends and ended up having a great night at a gay club in Soho (I'm not really one for the gay clubs but this one was cool, laid back and not in your face). Since then we've been chatting more online and are making plans to make it more of a regular thing. We're even thinking of going to a gay professional networking event that happens every month in London.

I've also started to make progress on the sex/love side of my gay life in that I finally got around to meeting a guy from Gaydar! Don't get excited though as I didn't seal the deal. From his photos I could see he was OK looking but I wasn't really attracted to him and so I wasn't planning on anything happening. Rather, we had a lot in common so I thought I would use the opportunity as a sort of dry run and maybe make a friend out of it in the end. We decided to meet one evening after work in Soho. It felt quite strange to be meeting a complete stranger off the Internet but at the same time it didn't feel scary because we had been chatting a bit online and so we knew quite a bit about each other. When we did actually meet though, I could see his pictures definitely showed his good side, as he looked a bit chubbier in real life and so went from being not my type to definitely not my type! The conversation flowed fairly easily though and got us through a couple of drinks at a gay bar and a quick bite to eat. By 9pm though I was running out of things to say to him. He's 30 and so we're at slightly different stages in our lives. I also think the fact that I knew it was never going to lead anywhere very exiting made me lose interest a bit. I hope I'm not very fickle about how my friends look but I fear I might be a bit - I guess it's just nicer to hang out with someone you think is attractive (especially if they're a guy) because then there can always be a slight bit of flirting (however subtle and unintended) involved in the friendship. So I'm not sure if I can see us becoming long-term friends. I'll probably keep in touch but won't go out of my way. The nice thing was that it helped me take a step forward and so maybe my next meet with a guy will lead to more. And at the very least, I did feel very cosmopolitan sitting on the tube home thinking about how I had just met up with a completely random person from the Internet and never have to see him again! You've got to love big city life :-)

Gaydar Cont.

So that blond and tanned surfer dude from my last post did end up being too good to be true. Well he might exist but after initially being quite keen to chat he just suddenly stopped writing back. Perhaps it was something I said?! Not sure what though. Although I did ask him about him being bisexual so maybe he's not comfortable talking about that. But I have noticed that the whole Gaydar thing can be quite fickle anyway. I've been contacted a few times by guys and we've started chatting and then suddenly they stop writing back. I surely can't offend all of them! But perhaps they just want to hook up sooner than I do and so lose interest or else they get scared and run.

I'm just as fickle though so I can't complain. I've been chatting to one guy for a few days now. He's 30, is not bad looking (although he's not really my type) and seems nice enough. But I get the impression that he's looking for a steady relationship, which I definitely am not. And he's said things like he thinks my pictures are really "cute", which is a bit tooooo gay for me haha (I know that sounds ridiculous but I guess I'm just not used to guys saying stuff like that to me). And besides I'd rather be called hot or something to that effect. But cute. Nah, unless you're Brad Pitt that's just not going to do it for me I'm afraid :-)

Overall I'm feeling a bit disheartened by the online dating thing. It's easy enough to make friends on but actually hooking up is going to be much harder than I previously thought. Basically it all comes down to how I want my first experience of sex to be. Like I said before, it doesn't have to be with the love of my life but I do want it to be good and right. In other words I'm not sure if I want it to be just some random hook-up. But at the same time I can't see how I'm ever going to meet the right guy (or any guy for that matter) if I don't use the Internet. So I think some sort of compromise is going to be needed. The funny thing about it all is that I can't see myself getting hung up about meeting guys from the Internet in the future - it's literally just this first time that I want to be right. Because if it isn't I'm worried that it might put me off forever. And it's a big deal at the end of the day - so it feels right to make a big deal out of it.

It's times like these though when I wish I had been more open and comfortable about my sexuality at a younger age. Trying to get over hurdles like losing your virginity when you're 24 is so much harder I think than when you're in your teens and everybody around you is in the same boat. It feels ridiculous and embarrassing to still be so inexperienced at this age especially as it's not because of religious grounds or anything like that. It's simply because I just haven't felt comfortable with it yet. But the longer I leave it the harder it gets.

In other news, I'm still on the job hunt. I feel like I'm getting a better idea of what it is I want to do though. I'm not just looking anymore for things related to what I studied (marketing) and I'm even considering some jobs in the financial services sector, which I had completely ruled out in the past because I felt it was too dull. Basically I'm starting to realise that I want to work for a big multinational company rather than a small entrepreneurial company (unless it was my own) because I want to go far in my career and hopefully live and work around the world, which I think is more likely with the big firms. It's all about finding the right company now and I don't see why that can't be a bank (especially because they pay so much better than any other company!) The financial sector here in London also has an amazing gay network so it would be good to get involved in that.

The bad thing about job hunting is that I have a bit too much time on my hands to over think and over analyse things. While I know it's not essential that I get out there and start having sex straight away I feel like it is important that I do it sooner rather than later because I think it will help me to feel more comfortable about myself and to move forward with my life.

And besides, I really don't want to wake up one day and feel like I've missed out on my whole youth!

Getting My Gaydar On

This weekend I set myself the goal of getting into the whole online dating world. Namely, Gaydar!

I had set up an account a few months ago but hadn't really done much with it up until now except for a bit of general browsing. But yesterday I signed up for full membership status and started making use of all the extra access that that provides.

I found the whole thing quite overwhelming though! When you're 24 and you still haven't ever had sex it's quite daunting to start putting yourself out there, especially when everyone else out there seems so experienced. And it's difficult to know exactly how to go about doing it. For example, I had a bit of a dilemma when it came to putting up pictures. I kind of want to use the site to make friends but also to have some random hook-ups if it feels right. There's no way I would ever put up face pictures for people to find but then I think that kind of limits your chances of finding genuine and nice people to make friends with because they don't immediately trust you. Putting up naked body shots seems a bit sleazy but I don't think there's much point of putting up body pictures if you're fully clothed. And if you're wanting to hook up with people then it's pretty important that they know what they're going to get. It's a tough one and I think a fine balance is needed so I ended up opting for some tasteful body shots with a whole lot of face pics stored to send privately to people I want to chat to.

Getting your profile sorted is easy though when compared to actually interacting with people! I started to get quite a few messages from guys, which kind of made me panic a bit because suddenly it was all very real and moving quite fast! Unfortunately quite a few of the messages were from really weird and scary looking guys - and I mean REALLY weird. I obviously ignored those messages and on the upside there were a couple of good one's that caught my eye. But then there was the whole problem of what are you supposed to say? It's such a weird and awkward situation. I'm particularly unsure about whether to tell guys that I'm a virgin. Will they think it's weird and run a mile or will they like the challenge? Should I just not say anything and pretend that I know what I'm doing? 

While I'm definitely very ready to get that part of my life going I do want my first time to be good. It doesn't have to be romantic or perfect or with the love of my life or anything like that. It just has to be good and something that I will want to look back on in years to come. It would suck big time if I didn't enjoy it - I'm confused enough already as it is!

Anyway, I've been chatting to a guy this evening who almost seems too good to be true. He's blonde and tanned (he's a surfer), apparently he's bi, and he just generally sounds like a pretty nice guy. I'm a bit suspicious really, as I know there are some strange people out there and like I said this guy just looks and sounds too good to be true! I guess time will tell...